He Can't Stop Masturbating

I guess someone always has it worse.

What did you expect?

2 Dreams

Two dreams. This morning is first.

I had a dream that I was my second or third day at Columbia. Regardless, it was a Monday. I had hw due and a test coming up. Columbia grad school was in Boston, while undergrad was in NY. I asked former Brandeis mate Ariel why is Columbia split that way. He said Universities do that to get more alumni money. I asked Ariel if he needed a ride on my bicycle. I was riding that big ugly bike. He said yeah, but he wanted to walk alongside me. I was in a hurry, so I ditched him. Then I ended up on a bus going into Columbia with Ben. Columbia looked like a bureaucratic complex from Prague – quaint and intimidating at the same time. I told the bus driver to drive us to the end. But at the end was an airfield where hovering pods where being developed. It was frightening. I felt so vulnerable under those high steel towers, noise and hovering pods. Ben and I ended up inside a hovering pod with Ben driving, just to cause trouble. And then I woke up.

I had a dream a few nights ago where me and my family where in some sort of waterpark. It didn’t look safe. Haphazard wood work led to slides we weren’t sure were together themselves. We got to the top of a platform. I pushed my sister’s elbow, noting that I did not push her body at all. Yet she still stumbled to the edge and fell off. She was lying face down in a pool of water after a fall that must have broke her spine. I was about to cry. At the same time, I wanted to reassure myself that my pushing had no physical effect on her body stumbling forward – psychological, maybe.

What did you expect?

I’m recovering from a long relapse. I’m highly addicted to pornography and masturbation and I’m powerless to stop. And guess what? I’m starting yet another 40 day resolution. And this is only my first day. It’s such a familiar feeling to be on the first day of my 40 day resolution. Well, actually it feels pretty good. I’m usually on “day zero.” On Wednesday, my family is going to Russia. It will afford me the time to go wherever I want, do whatever I want. But thing aren’t so simple right now. I need to find a job and start some sort of career.

I took a bike ride to Piermont yesterday evening. As I was looking out over the Hudson river, I did some thinking. I need to be serious with my 40 day resolution. In 40 days, I could either be on my way to getting a life. Or I could be spending my time masturbating on the internet. I should do whatever I can to get over my addiction. And it will be more painful than I can imagine at this moment.

The only way it’s going to work this time, is if I seriously limit my triggers. I need to stop going online except when it’s absolutely essential. I should check my e-mail at most once a day, maybe even every other day when I’m not expecting anything important. Sure, it will limit me in some respects. But the consequences of falling back into my addiction are too great. I can only go online when I have a specific task I need to accomplish. Otherwise, I have to live my life offline.

Also, another pattern has severely hampered my recovery. When I begin to relapse, I continue a little more … and then a little more … and then a little more. Why not, since I no longer have several days count behind me. And I know this is actually what is most devastating. This is the crux of my problem. My problem is not the morning of day number 5 where I masturbated before getting out of bed. It’s that I choose to then go out of control. It’s what follows my initial relapse that constitutes the vast majority of my problems.

There’s another dominant factor into the perpetuation of my addiction. I look back at my past behavior. I realize that it is so absurd, I should discount it. I think that behavior is impossible to perpetuate, so I can continue to relapse. I choose not to acknowledge the fact that I have a problem.

Staying at home amplifies my addictions. I go insane from loneliness. Seeing noone else makes me feel so alone and depressed that I go to the internet to relieve my loneliness. It’s where I see blog conversations. It’s where I see my fantasies unfold. It’s mesmerizing. And yet it’s (as Aish HaTorah taught me) the counterfeit pleasure. Through the internet, I neglect my responsibilities and the mundane tasks that will lead me to the real pleasure.

So I need to find ways to ensure that I follow these mundane tasks like studying for actuarial exams and avoid compulsive behavior. And I need to avoid my daydreams. I have very passionate daydreams about likely hypothetical situations. I have daydreams where I relive past event on my own terms. I need to work on all these things.

And I just need to remember that every little bit counts. Where I can do something good, a Mitzvah, I should do it. Not delay, not save for later, not make excuses. It’s each little thing that will help tip the balance. The consequence of not doing one good little thing could be infinite. So, please, for my own sake, do every little good thing. And avoid every single little bad thing, no matter how hard. It’ll be worth it.

What did you expect?

This video scares. This is what I really don't want to become.

What did you expect?