Every day is a new beginning

I'm worried that I'm losing myself to compulsive behaviors. I have been either unwilling or unable to stop masturbating and looking at porn. I have barely made myself study at all during the past 3 weeks of school. I have hardly done anything productive whatsoever during the past 3 weeks. I hardly ever even got out of the house before 1 in the afternoon, often not till 5 in the afternoon. I've just been procrastinating the whole time, taking time for granted. And then I've been beating myself up, getting depressed, feeling like I'm a worthless lost cause.

I need to have patience. I watched a documentary this morning on the meth epidemic in the United States. It brought home the dangers of addiction. And all addiction is the same. It's all about instant gratification to the detriment of the user's life. That's my story right now. I need to change it and triumph.

I've done too much to lose myself. I need to find myself again. And I need to have patience. No matter how many times I fail, I will remind myself that all is not over. Every little bit counts. Every good deed counts. Just remember, one postive action brings on another. One transgression brings on another. The reward of a positive action is another positive action. And vice versa.

I will build my life on positive actions and with immediate effect.

What did you expect?

I was at one time doing so well. When I first moved to New York, I didn’t look at any porn for one and a half months. Now, it’s been a daily occurrence for two months. And no matter what I tell myself, I’m showing no signs of stopping. I’m wasting a lot of time. I’m wasting my life away.

There’s nothing I can tell myself to make myself change. I just have to do it. As much and as often as I can, I have to follow my schedule and exercise my will. I should do everything I can to keep myself disciplined.

What did you expect?