Wed March 24: New RESOLUTION START TIME

I slipped repeatedly. Often, when I act out, my mind goes into a whirlpool. And I completely forget all the reasons why I created my resolutions. And acting out seems so relevant at the moment. So even though, when I first wrote my resolution on this blog, I was 110% sure it would be successful, it wasn't. This has happened about 1000 times.

I'll just take it one day at a time. If I slip, I'll start back up again as soon as possible. I'll record all slips in this blog, if there are any that is.

What did you expect?

Monday March 22nd, noon: Resolution start time, date

It's harder than I thought. I slipped several times, especially when I stayed at home with my parents. I haven't been keeping to a schedule at all. I've been lazy, unproductive, and self-pitying. I spent a lot of time surfing the net and doing nothing at all. Just thinking. I'll reset the resolutions to today, Monday March 22nd at noon.

What did you expect?

Downward Spiral: 1st day Resolution

Left to my own devices, I become a danger to myself. Put me in a room alone with my laptop and I will self destruct. If not the first day, certainly by the end of the week. Usually on the first day.

I've decided to resume writing in this blog. I want to make my struggle public. My audience will be a source of accountability.

So now for accountability:
I've been looking at porn a lot lately. And masturbating a lot. These addictions have taken over my life. Some days, I get nothing done because I get absorbed in porn. If not porn, other sorts of internet surfing. I want to stop badly. But when my compulsions begin, my consciousness is lost.

I intend to wage a jihad for my consciousness.

So today, at 7:30 am of Friday March 19th, I declare the end of porn, masturbation, and compulsive internet surfing. I will see to it that this resolution is kept strictly for at least the next 4o days.

I will take every precaution to prevent myself from breaking this sacred resolution.

In general, there are 7 resolutions:

1. No porn.
2. No unscheduled internet surfing that is not porn.
3. I can not touch myself.
   
4. I can not lie down, unless it's scheduled.
5. I have to follow a strict schedue.
6. I have to write down the next day's schedule the night before.
7. I can not disable my filter.

1st 40 days last from Mar 19th to April 27th.
I may report my progress every day or not every day.
If I break this sacred resolution, I'll write that in this blog immediately.

For precautions, there are a number of things I can do.

• First, I will start going to morning services at the synagogue every morning, at least the 6 mornings that are of lesser importance. That will put me on a schedule.
• I will make sure not to study anywhere private. I will only study in the most public parts of the library where I would not dare surf the net randomly.
• I will leave my laptop at school rather than take it home with me.
  
• I will make an appointment with a therapist.

What did you expect?

I'm in the midst of another resolution. And I've failed these so many times before. But this time, it's different. I shortened the timeframe from 40 days to 6 days. I should have figured it out earlier that 40 days is completely out of proportion to my reference point. 6 days I can handle. 3 days have passed. Only 3 are left. Then I will have achieved something.

What did you expect?

Writing my thoughts down and seeing them on paper gives them a feeling of legitimacy. They sound so nonsensical when they’re still in the mind. In the mind, they’re fluid and constantly changing. I fear my thoughts will get lost or go in the wrong direction. So I adapt by thinking too much.

It’s been a lot more than a year since I’ve been trying to get through these 40 day resolutions. And here are some reasons why I always fail. First of all, all 7 of them are integrated. If one fails, all 7 fail. If one survives, the other 6 are on much stronger ground.

Only one of these 7 resolutions actually requires me to do something significant: keep a schedule.

In order of difficulty,

(1) Don’t disable the filter: what can be easier.
(2) Write down a schedule the night before: this can, in its most basic form, take as little as two minutes.
(3) Don’t lie down, except when I go to bed: how hard can that be? I’m exhausted? Don’t lie down for a nap. Brush my teeth, set a schedule and go to bed.
(4) Don’t look at porn: this has unfortunately been a long-term struggle for me. I remember days when I was hopelessly addicted. I literally couldn’t function without it. Now it seems to be less so. I’ve drilled into my mind enough times thoughts about how damaging it is. These days it seems to mostly come up when I’m surfing the net otherwise.
(5) Don’t surf the internet without a schedule: This is very difficult. For so long, the internet has been my life, my entertainment. My sin. My soul. My mind becomes lonely and scared at the thought that my computer be shut down for the night. How horrible! How inhumane! NO Ilyusha! These are precisely the kind of self-destructive mental loops that these resolutions are designed to get me out of.
(6) Don’t touch myself: I couldn’t live without it since I was 12. I’m so scared of stopping. I feel like I’ll self-combust if I do. But it glues me to these vicious, self-destructive cycles. I’m not a real person when I’m masturbating. I’m daydreaming. I’m pretending I’m someone else. I’m getting my body used to sensations in such a way that they detract from pleasures of real women.
(7) Keep to a schedule: This is the most difficult one. If I can do this, I am nearly guaranteed of accomplishing all of the other 6 resolutions combined. I have to be smart about this one. I have to know my limits before hand. I can not schedule more than those. Otherwise I’ll do less.


What did you expect?

I'm requiring a cathartic episode. I need to get a few things out of my mind and into writing. This way, my mind won't pursue the same perpetual loop out of a fear that I'll forget. I'm also currently on speed. And that has made my mind flood with insights.

Here's one issue. Every time I sit down at a computer in the library, all I can think about is web surfing. Current events I want to check up on "for only a few minutes." At times like these, I need to remind myself every time why exactly it is that I restricted that stuff in the first place. First of all, I used to spend hours a day looking this stuff up, reading the same stuff over and over again, constantly craving more, never having enough. It's like an alcoholic addiction. When I wasn't looking at it, it's the stuff I would think about all the time cause it would give me an enormous rush. Mental masturbation. Putting myself in the shoes of the characters involved. Trying to feel that rush. Superimposing that glory on myself in my own fantasies. It's extremely unhealthy. It's like a perpetual motion machine that just keeps turning faster and faster. Every time I come back to reality, the world loses it's color. Everything in my life seems so dull and boring. I feel like I can't live without my fantasies because my own life will only depress me. This isn't logical thinking. It's compulsive thinking. I actually sat down to write about completely different matters. However an urge to surf the web took over. So I decided to write about this instead.

Earlier this evening, I took a walk in the woods alone. I made a vow to myself there. I vowed that I would schedule my sleeping habits to a schedule. I won't stay in bed one minute longer than I need to so I can think about my life. I need to do as little thinking as possible in bed. Because I just make excuses to stay in bed longer and not face the world, often because I'm scared of the world and all the effort I'll have to put in. Well I know for a fact that I will never come to any profound realization in bed - only lots of extra masturbation. Extra bedtime is nothing but laziness. It's getting in my way. And I have to kill it.

The above goes for regular sleep and "quick naps." Naps should be avoided in general. I use them too often as an excuse to masturbate. And they're usually far longer than originally planned. So unless they're planned in advance, they are categorically banned.

I know it's bad luck to make more than one vow in the same day. However, this is an easy one and one that I already partially follow. And it's very important. Here it goes. I vow to completely ban all web surfing that's not immediately necessary at the library on library computers. Any web surfing I choose to do must be done on my laptop where I at least have the benefit of a filter to control it. But in the libary, where the internet is completely open, it's too dangerous. I risk a relapse into my fantasy-reality addiction. So I should also avoid facebook. I should avoid checking my e-mail more than twice a day. I can check my e-mail around lunchtime and dinner time but no more than that. Any more than that hurts me far more than it helps me. I don't receive more than a handful of important emails a week anyway.

Now on to the original purpose of this writing.

I just recalled the journalistic project I did in Hebron (Israel/West bank). I remember I enjoyed it immmensely. I gathered a story I've never read before. And I looked. I took interviews, photos, sights, sounds and experiences. I made some serious mistakes in those interviews. I was too confrontational when I should've just gathered stories. Anyway, I am much smarter now and better prepared for journalistic tasks. I should find venues to write in, develop assignments and carry them out. I would enrich my own life and that of others; participants and readers. I should think about it once I've caught up with my immediate responsibilities. And those have taken on the characteristics of a runaway train that I'm trying to catch up to with a hobble.

There's plenty more I want to write about. And they're all good things. However as long as I find the focus after I'm done with my overdue responsibilities, I'll do an even better job then. I shouldn't worry about forgetting and needing to record all my profound thoughts as they pop into my head. These thoughts, in and of themselves, are dirt cheap. It's only follow-through that gives them any worth. And that is only possible with focus and a good schedule. So breaking a good schedule for these reflections is inherently self-defeating.

What did you expect?

For the last couple days at least, I have finally allowed my compulsive internet surfing to subside. I got an internet filter called K9. It's the kind families use to stop their children from going where they should not. It works really well. I've put in a lost of websites that are restricted. And that list has expanded quite a bit because I kept looking for substitutes. Then I put in some url keywords that are banned. Now I feel okay. I've stopped random surfing for a few days. I just have to make sure, I don't surf on public computers. So far I haven't. But just now, I had a dangerous thought. I thought to myself that I should go read the news online to distract myself from my stress. It's the most dangerous idea. I know that if I go back to those things, I'll find a hook and then it's all over. So I just need alternative methods to relax. Or even better, now that I'm spending less time online, I'll be more organized with my studies.

I'm on the first day of another 40 day resolution. And I really need to focus on that. I need to follow it to the letter. If I break away from it for a minute, I'll almost certainly break away from it for good.

I thought I'd feel lousy without my compulsive behaviors. But I actually feel much better. I feel alive.

What did you expect?