I'm requiring a cathartic episode. I need to get a few things out of my mind and into writing. This way, my mind won't pursue the same perpetual loop out of a fear that I'll forget. I'm also currently on speed. And that has made my mind flood with insights.

Here's one issue. Every time I sit down at a computer in the library, all I can think about is web surfing. Current events I want to check up on "for only a few minutes." At times like these, I need to remind myself every time why exactly it is that I restricted that stuff in the first place. First of all, I used to spend hours a day looking this stuff up, reading the same stuff over and over again, constantly craving more, never having enough. It's like an alcoholic addiction. When I wasn't looking at it, it's the stuff I would think about all the time cause it would give me an enormous rush. Mental masturbation. Putting myself in the shoes of the characters involved. Trying to feel that rush. Superimposing that glory on myself in my own fantasies. It's extremely unhealthy. It's like a perpetual motion machine that just keeps turning faster and faster. Every time I come back to reality, the world loses it's color. Everything in my life seems so dull and boring. I feel like I can't live without my fantasies because my own life will only depress me. This isn't logical thinking. It's compulsive thinking. I actually sat down to write about completely different matters. However an urge to surf the web took over. So I decided to write about this instead.

Earlier this evening, I took a walk in the woods alone. I made a vow to myself there. I vowed that I would schedule my sleeping habits to a schedule. I won't stay in bed one minute longer than I need to so I can think about my life. I need to do as little thinking as possible in bed. Because I just make excuses to stay in bed longer and not face the world, often because I'm scared of the world and all the effort I'll have to put in. Well I know for a fact that I will never come to any profound realization in bed - only lots of extra masturbation. Extra bedtime is nothing but laziness. It's getting in my way. And I have to kill it.

The above goes for regular sleep and "quick naps." Naps should be avoided in general. I use them too often as an excuse to masturbate. And they're usually far longer than originally planned. So unless they're planned in advance, they are categorically banned.

I know it's bad luck to make more than one vow in the same day. However, this is an easy one and one that I already partially follow. And it's very important. Here it goes. I vow to completely ban all web surfing that's not immediately necessary at the library on library computers. Any web surfing I choose to do must be done on my laptop where I at least have the benefit of a filter to control it. But in the libary, where the internet is completely open, it's too dangerous. I risk a relapse into my fantasy-reality addiction. So I should also avoid facebook. I should avoid checking my e-mail more than twice a day. I can check my e-mail around lunchtime and dinner time but no more than that. Any more than that hurts me far more than it helps me. I don't receive more than a handful of important emails a week anyway.

Now on to the original purpose of this writing.

I just recalled the journalistic project I did in Hebron (Israel/West bank). I remember I enjoyed it immmensely. I gathered a story I've never read before. And I looked. I took interviews, photos, sights, sounds and experiences. I made some serious mistakes in those interviews. I was too confrontational when I should've just gathered stories. Anyway, I am much smarter now and better prepared for journalistic tasks. I should find venues to write in, develop assignments and carry them out. I would enrich my own life and that of others; participants and readers. I should think about it once I've caught up with my immediate responsibilities. And those have taken on the characteristics of a runaway train that I'm trying to catch up to with a hobble.

There's plenty more I want to write about. And they're all good things. However as long as I find the focus after I'm done with my overdue responsibilities, I'll do an even better job then. I shouldn't worry about forgetting and needing to record all my profound thoughts as they pop into my head. These thoughts, in and of themselves, are dirt cheap. It's only follow-through that gives them any worth. And that is only possible with focus and a good schedule. So breaking a good schedule for these reflections is inherently self-defeating.

What did you expect?