I am so self-conscious sometimes. Even now, I look for every excuse not to do my work. I get distracted and I don't see the time moving. That is my biggest issue. Sometimes, I don't see time moving. I permit myself the illusion that I'll make up this time later. But that couldn't be farther from the truth.

The point is not how long I sit at my desk or how late I stay up. It's how much learning actually happens. And there have been many times when I sat for hours at a time not learning a single thing. I've spent many hours looking to copy answers rather than actually solve and understand them. But these issues never actually solve themselves. In the end, it becomes harder either catching up, cramming, failing tests, losing sleep, stressing out, losing out on a life, etc....

Every single half hour of study has to be specifically oriented towards solving a specific problem or another. Each half hour's time - what sort of study will most likely specifically help me solve a problem on one of the exams? I must be ready to answer that question at all times.

What did you expect?

I'm finally enjoying a little more success than I was before. I installed a filter on my computer. All I have to do now is obey the filter. I've already sort of disobeyed it once, but not too bad.

I have finals coming up soon. I'm extremely behind. I haven't been studying for them at all. And I find myself taking on a fatalistic attitude, like I'm gonna fail anyway why even bother. I should not fail. That would be disastrous. What will I do then??? All the time from now thru monday, I must work as hard and as much as I can. Don't take the time for granted. Every time I think about how little time I have, I just wanna run away. Don't run away. I can't guarantee I'll pass. But I can try. I can try my best from now till the end of finals. And I'll trust that a higher power, God, is directing me in the right direction. If I don't pass, I wanna know that at least I did the best damn good that I could. No excuses.

What did you expect?

I have a vision. I have a vision that I will not surf the internet today. And I will not surf tomorrow nor the day after. I won't play with the internet for something like 10, 12 days. And by then, I will not longer need to go online compulsively. I will still be addicted. But it will no longer be a daily struggle. For that to happen, I can't allow any traces of web surfing to enter my life. Today and tomorrow, I will keep my hands away from my crotch. And I will not go online. No exceptions.

What did you expect?

What I really need is an acute awareness of my potential and my limitations. I need to consistently be aware of my place in the world. For that to happen, I need to completely stop going online, at least for a little while. At least for 40 days.

What did you expect?

I keep running into the same issue. How do I stop my bad old habits from continuing. It's always one more time for me. Every time I go online to check the news, it's always the last time. Masturbating, always the last time.

I can not take anything for granted. I can not let up on myself. I must keep my efforts consistent. I need a complete paradigm shift. The minutes are even more important than the hours. The days are more important than the years.

I won't let up on myself. I certainly won't give up on myself. Positive action is all that defines me.

What did you expect?

Politicians are only there to use you when it's in their benefit. You don't exist as a person in their eyes.

Do not have any misconceptions that you are any less likely to be corrupted by the system than anyone else.

Guard your eyes, ears, and mouth. I may enjoy watching something, listening to something, saying something. Doesn't mean it's good for me or someone else. Doesn't mean I'm any better off for it. Don't rationalize. Human nature tends to rationalize what the heart wants. Guard your eyes, ears and mouth.

Looking leads to temptation and lust. Then I may attain the object of my desire. Then I feel only more empty and depressed. So I go for the next thrill because the next one will be the one to fulfill all my dreams. It's bullshit.

What did you expect?

Wisdom from the Pirkei Avot, "Ethics of Our Fathers"

ch. 2: 9. Rabbi Chanina the son of Dosa would say: One whose fear of sin takes precedence to his wisdom, his wisdom endures. But one whose wisdom takes precedence to his fear of sin, his wisdom does not endure.

10. He would also say: One whose deeds exceed his wisdom, his wisdom endures. But one whose wisdom exceeds his deeds, his wisdom does not endure.

He would also say: One who is pleasing to his fellow men, is pleasing to G-d. But one who is not pleasing to his fellow men, is not pleasing to G-d.

Rabbi Dosa the son of Hurkinas would say: Morning sleep, noontime wine, children's talk and sitting at the meeting places of the ignoramus, drive a person from the world.

...a safety fence for wisdom is silence.

He would also say: One whose wisdom is greater than his deeds, what is he comparable to? To a tree with many branches and few roots; comes a storm and uproots it, and turns it on its face. As is stated, "He shall be as a lone tree in a wasteland, and shall not see when good comes; he shall dwell parched in the desert, a salt land, uninhabited" (Jeremiah 17:6). But one whose deeds are greater than his wisdom, to what is he compared? To a tree with many roots and few branches, whom all the storms in the world cannot budge from its place. As is stated: "He shall be as a tree planted upon water, who spreads his roots by the river; who fears not when comes heat, whose leaf is ever lush; who worries not in a year of drought, and ceases not to yield fruit" (ibid., v. 8).

Who is strong? One who overpowers his inclinations. As is stated (Proverbs 16:32), "Better one who is slow to anger than one with might, one who rules his spirit than the captor of a city."

3. He would also say: Do not scorn any man, and do not discount any thing. For there is no man who has not his hour, and no thing that has not its place.

4. Rabbi Levitas of Yavneh would say: Be very, very humble, for the hope of mortal man is worms.

14. Rabbi Nehora'i would say: Exile yourself to a place of Torah; do not say that it will come after you, that your colleagues will help you retain it. Rely not on your own understanding.

Rabbi Matya the son of Charash would say: Be first to greet every man. Be a tail to lions, rather than a head to foxes.

19. Samuel the Small would say: "When your enemy falls, do not rejoice; when he stumbles, let your heart not be gladdened. Lest G-d see, and it will displeasing in His eyes, and He will turn His wrath from him [to you]" (Proverbs 24:17-18).

21. Rabbi Elazar HaKapor would say: Envy, lust and honor drive a man from the world.

22. He would also say: Those who are born will die, and the dead will live. The living will be judged, to learn, to teach and to comprehend that He is G-d, He is the former, He is the creator, He is the comprehender, He is the judge, He is the witness, He is the plaintiff, and He will judge. Blessed is He, for before Him there is no wrong, no forgetting, no favoritism, and no taking of bribes; know, that everything is according to the reckoning. Let not your heart convince you that the grave is your escape; for against your will you are formed, against your will you are born, against your will you live, against your will you die, and against your will you are destined to give a judgement and accounting before the king, king of all kings, the Holy One, blessed be He.

7. There are seven things that characterize a boor, and seven that characterize a wise man. A wise man does not speak before one who is greater than him in wisdom or age. He does not interrupt his fellow's words. He does not hasten to answer. His questions are on the subject and his answers to the point. He responds to first things first and to latter things later. Concerning what he did not hear, he says "I did not hear." He concedes to the truth. With the boor, the reverse of all these is the case.

3.Be careful with the government, for they befriend a person only for their own needs. They appear to be friends when it is beneficial to them, but they do not stand by a person at the time of his distress.

What did you expect?

I need to undergo an important paradigm shift. I'm all too accustomed to writing a 40-day resolution and then breaking it within a matter of hours. If only I can make this one a little different. Follow my resolution. It's for my own good, noone else's. Cut the gossip and bullshit. I don't need to know anything beyond my own circle.

What did you expect?