I can not believe it’s been this long since I wrote in my journal. I just went through Christmas break. It’s been a blur. It consisted of the same self-destructive cycle for over a month. Read the news, watch lots of porn, lie in bed a lot, masturbate a lot, day dream about all sorts of fantasies, think about how sorry my life is. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Every day was just another day. I have so many of them.

I’m glad school has started. It’s put me on a schedule. It’s given me some sort of framework.

There’s no point in getting upset. I make mistakes so I can learn from them. And if I’ve made the same mistake over and over again more times than I can possibly count, all the more so.

I don’t know what I can tell myself to make myself stop doing what I’m doing. So much of what I’m doing is impulsive and compulsive. I feel like I have no control of myself. At the same time, it is urgent that I start doing the right thing and put my life on a conscious plane. Otherwise, nothing will ever work out for me.

I must learn to write down a schedule and follow it in a manner as strictly as possible.

I keep telling myself, I need to avoid the internet when I can. It is not my friend. It is a necessary evil, in a sense. And I keep putting that off. It’s always just one more time.

I’ve been looking at porn relentlessly and getting off to it. And it only increases my loneliness.

I need to start living as if the hours are just as important as the days.