Before my recent small relapse, I forgot how addictive internet porn can be. I was just thinking about going home and getting back to my old habits. Then, I decided to come to the library, think it over. And I decided against it. Think about it. Some things are pleasurable for the moment. However, they're highly addictive. They lead to a world of fantasy rather than reality. I need to let it go for today...then tomorrow. Then after this shall pass, I need to remember not to go back.

I must set up a framework for my life and live by it. I'll set up a very strict framework. Maybe I'll be able to hold on to it for 40 days.

What did you expect?

I hate porn. I especially hate famous porn stars and starlets. I was just watching the HBO documentary 'Down in the Valley; Real Sex Extra.' It got me really pissed off. If you watch these porn "movies," you can't tell if the stars are retarded or not. All they do is fuck on camera. And they get paid really really well for it.

Famous porn starlets have moldings made out of their body parts. I heard Jenna Jameson say of her plastic vagina, "you can put blankets around it and pretend there's a real woman there." Oh my God. That is exactly what would make my life wonderful; a plastic vagina I can fuck.

It pisses me off that people buy so much of this crap. We're just participating in a circle of retardation.

What did you expect?

Porn is dangerous. Make no mistake about it. This afternoon, I decided to indulge in it for maybe 20 minutes. Now that I've again embarked on my 40 day resolution, it is taking every ounce of my strength to refrain from jerking off. The clips I saw were my fantasy. Now, I can't get my mind off them. I decided to write in the blog cause I was about to give up. But I'm hangin in there.

I'm having these episodes where at first I feel powerless and my mind starts making up excuses to give up. Then, I think about the consequences and I come back to myself. I must stay 'sober' till tomorrow night thru probability class. Then, I'll have a good chance.

What did you expect?

Isn't it interesting. I feel virtually powerless over my compulsions this afternoon. I'm going to refrain from engaging them. I promise.

What did you expect?

I sure am familiar with self-destruction. I know how to zone out everything constructive I could be doing. Instead, I'll spend days at a time jerkin off, surfing the net and surfing porn. I'm addicted. I read on HBO's site featuring addiction that addiction develops in the part of the brain that is not subject to conscious thought. That means, it is sometimes not possible to will your addictive behavior to go away. I am, in some ways, powerless. I believe, what that means, is that I have to develop a very strict structure in my life that will keep a lid on the cravings. I need to develop a structure so strict that it will overcome the strongest craving I may have. That is the beast I'm dealing with. I've been trying to keep a schedule for a while. Problem is, I often neglect to make one. And worse, I neglect to strictly keep it. However, if I do manage to instill in me a deep sense of discipline with this schedule, I have a good chance of overcoming my addiction.

My addiction to porn seems to be coming under control. My addiction to compulsive masturbation is completely out of control. I need to stop. So, once again, I've set up a 40 day resolution which prohibits certain harmful activities. I need to keep to it. I also need to keep a set of activities that will help me control my cravings. And I need to define them.

• Social outings. I should see good friends. And find some girls to hang out with.
• Study my academic subjects with joy
• Prepare for my actuarial exams with a profound sense of purpose.
• Learn Torah, read profound writings.
• Work out. Run, lift, go to boxing practice. That will help the compulsions a lot.

One of my problems is that I count success in days. I evaluate my success by the number of days I remain sober. So if I break my sobriety, I tend to figure that since the day is fucked, I might as well run with my compulsions for a little bit. That's the wrong attitude. I'm trying to implement a lifestyle change. I'm trying to develop self-control. Relapses happen. The goal is to keep them as short as I can, not enjoy them for as long as I can. Hopefully, I'll provide you readers with a 40 day success story.

What did you expect?

MY FAULTS

• I daydream – I daydream about past events in my life where I dream about how they could have gone differently. Or I daydream about potential future events. I dream about how my life will be completely different. I imagine that I haven’t started really living yet. My real life is yet to begin. And that is an awful mentality to have. My life is now! It’s time to let go of these fantasies.
• I procrastinate – Victims include e-mails, hw assignments, social gatherings, trips, workouts, art projects. I always believe I need to give myself that one last hour of procrastination as a goodbye party. Such things simply do not exist. Those who Do Things, do not wait. They finish what they have to do. And then they pontificate. Daydreaming is never the priority. Doing always is. I should always put doing before daydreaming, waiting and procrastinating.
• I do not follow my resolution – It always fails. It never goes past 3 days and rarely past 2. I always fall apart. The reasons for this relate to rationales already mentioned. I convince myself of some great suffering I need to think about. Stop doing that. FOLLOW MY RESOLUTION! 40 days – it will help me out enormously. It will demonstrate to me a completely different way of life that I’m quite sure would be far healthier than the one I live now. I need to take every necessary precaution to make sure I follow my resolution. For instance, go to the library rather than staying at home.
• I do not feel comfortable around women – I always feel like women are a different species. I feel like they’re from a different planet. I get really scared about what I say to them. I get really scared at seeming like a “creep.” I feel like they’ll just give me a little forced politeness and then turn around and snicker. I feel like rejection before I get it. And this fault is one that eats at me from the inside. It makes me feel like half a man. I must turn this around and no later than NOW. I will feel even more comfortable around women than around men. Rejection from a woman will mean less to me than rejection from a man.
• I’m addicted to the internet – I feel like the internet will have better information for me than I can get in real life from real people I know. Because of the internet’s infinite scope, I think that the internet will be my ultimate source of truth. This, of course, is a deception. It’s like watching the shadow of a person rather than the person itself. People on the internet are just people. They have no better grasp of reality than I do myself. And then all writing is deceitful. So to get at the truth, I need to learn from real people instead. As for my internet usage, it should mainly be to propagate what I learn myself in the real world.
• I’m addicted to pornography – It’s an addiction I’ve clearly not broken. Last night I spent hours on a fairly mainstream site with ‘18+’ videos. I gave myself the excuse it’s not porn because most of the material on the site isn’t. But I know it is. Porn can be youtube, facebook, blogs, etc… And I looked through a ‘porn blog’ last night which was clearly pornography. I’ve prohibited myself from looking at porn because it’s a destructive influence. It leads to an enormous waste of time. And it gets in the way of real relationships with real women. Besides, there is no such thing as taking a break for an inconsequential period of time. A little more nap, a little more daydreaming, a little more internet surfing…can easily take up days at a time. And I’m not getting any younger. My time is limited. It’s just as limited now as when I’ll be an old man. When I’ll be an old man, it’ll just be more obvious.
• I’m addicted to masturbation – This is one I’ve been trying to break for the longest time. However, I still often masturbate 4, 5 times a day. It’s in my resolution not to. However, once I do and that day doesn’t get counted, I go nuts masturbating incessantly. If I want to be master of my domain, I need to realize that the point of the resolution is not the count. It does make an enormous difference that I masturbate “once more” on a day that isn’t counted. Besides I know that I can record the exact time my resolution begins. So that is not an excuse. I just count full days
• I’ve never had a girlfriend – And I want one. It gets harder as I get older because there are very few girls in my shoes. So I may have to lie. I don’t have any money. I live with my parents. I’m not very confident. I’m often dejected. I’m shy. I often appear creepy. These are all things I can change. First thing I need to do is swallow my pride.
• I’m too self-conscious about my appearance – I always worry that girls won’t find me attractive. But there are lots of other qualities they look for. My looks do not disqualify. A lot of other pathetic qualities disqualify me first.
• I’m too self-conscious about my age – I feel like I’m getting too old for too many things and I’ve wasted all my life. However, that’s bullshit. I still have my youth. I feel pretty young. Very few gals my age are married. And I would love to date a girl who is even 12 years my senior. The main thing to keep in mind is that I am just as worthy as anyone else in the world of anyone I desire. I should never limit myself. I should never put myself down. And I should feel comfortable around girls. If I feel weird, she’ll feel much weirder. This world makes as little sense for girls as it does for guys. However, we’re quite similar. Typically, we like the same movies, same books, same conversations, etc… So talk to her. Ask her out on a date. It’s nothing. It’s just like making a new friend.
• I get too little exercise – I need to stop procrastinating and learn to make a better schedule. Then I will make exercise a priority, equivalent to anything else. I currently have a Ballys membership. I should really use it. I should build up my conditioning, my strength, my abs, my boxing skill. I should make boxing a priority. Rather than wander the galleries, I could accomplish something in the meanwhile. I have my own dreams and aspirations. They don’t include wandering around looking at crap other people make.
• I don’t have income – First of all, I should keep the long term in focus. I can develop an excellent career that pays a great salary. I’m capable of doing so. I chose actuarial science. I will exercise my will. And make a career happen. In the meanwhile, I should take some less pleasing methods. If I do have the time, I should grovel for a bartending job or a server position. I need cash now. I need a method of independence now.

What did you expect?

Progress

I'm on my way to proving the pastors at xxxchurch.com wrong. I haven't surfed porn for two weeks now. And most of that time, I was home alone by a computer with high-speed internet. My mind was full of excruciatingly exciting websites I wanted to go on. I broke it a few times in somewhat subtle ways. However, I held fast. I did it by lying on my bed jerkin off. That was not the best idea.

Now, I want to take it up a notch. I want to completely control my internet and television surfing in the same way. I'll keep to a schedule. And I can only do it one day at a time. Start with today. Keep a schedule thru thursday. The three day weekend will be exponentialy harder. So if I set up a good base these three days, I'll have a decent chance.

I think I give off a bit of a "dirty" vibe. And it still hasn't worn off. But I'm trying. Do they realize how long it's been since I've refrained from porn for so long while I had unfettered access. Discipline. I can have it.

And I feel better about myself. I feel good that I'm on my way to conquering my demons. Keep it up. I like this.

What did you expect?