I sure am familiar with self-destruction. I know how to zone out everything constructive I could be doing. Instead, I'll spend days at a time jerkin off, surfing the net and surfing porn. I'm addicted. I read on HBO's site featuring addiction that addiction develops in the part of the brain that is not subject to conscious thought. That means, it is sometimes not possible to will your addictive behavior to go away. I am, in some ways, powerless. I believe, what that means, is that I have to develop a very strict structure in my life that will keep a lid on the cravings. I need to develop a structure so strict that it will overcome the strongest craving I may have. That is the beast I'm dealing with. I've been trying to keep a schedule for a while. Problem is, I often neglect to make one. And worse, I neglect to strictly keep it. However, if I do manage to instill in me a deep sense of discipline with this schedule, I have a good chance of overcoming my addiction.

My addiction to porn seems to be coming under control. My addiction to compulsive masturbation is completely out of control. I need to stop. So, once again, I've set up a 40 day resolution which prohibits certain harmful activities. I need to keep to it. I also need to keep a set of activities that will help me control my cravings. And I need to define them.

• Social outings. I should see good friends. And find some girls to hang out with.
• Study my academic subjects with joy
• Prepare for my actuarial exams with a profound sense of purpose.
• Learn Torah, read profound writings.
• Work out. Run, lift, go to boxing practice. That will help the compulsions a lot.

One of my problems is that I count success in days. I evaluate my success by the number of days I remain sober. So if I break my sobriety, I tend to figure that since the day is fucked, I might as well run with my compulsions for a little bit. That's the wrong attitude. I'm trying to implement a lifestyle change. I'm trying to develop self-control. Relapses happen. The goal is to keep them as short as I can, not enjoy them for as long as I can. Hopefully, I'll provide you readers with a 40 day success story.

What did you expect?