MY FAULTS

• I daydream – I daydream about past events in my life where I dream about how they could have gone differently. Or I daydream about potential future events. I dream about how my life will be completely different. I imagine that I haven’t started really living yet. My real life is yet to begin. And that is an awful mentality to have. My life is now! It’s time to let go of these fantasies.
• I procrastinate – Victims include e-mails, hw assignments, social gatherings, trips, workouts, art projects. I always believe I need to give myself that one last hour of procrastination as a goodbye party. Such things simply do not exist. Those who Do Things, do not wait. They finish what they have to do. And then they pontificate. Daydreaming is never the priority. Doing always is. I should always put doing before daydreaming, waiting and procrastinating.
• I do not follow my resolution – It always fails. It never goes past 3 days and rarely past 2. I always fall apart. The reasons for this relate to rationales already mentioned. I convince myself of some great suffering I need to think about. Stop doing that. FOLLOW MY RESOLUTION! 40 days – it will help me out enormously. It will demonstrate to me a completely different way of life that I’m quite sure would be far healthier than the one I live now. I need to take every necessary precaution to make sure I follow my resolution. For instance, go to the library rather than staying at home.
• I do not feel comfortable around women – I always feel like women are a different species. I feel like they’re from a different planet. I get really scared about what I say to them. I get really scared at seeming like a “creep.” I feel like they’ll just give me a little forced politeness and then turn around and snicker. I feel like rejection before I get it. And this fault is one that eats at me from the inside. It makes me feel like half a man. I must turn this around and no later than NOW. I will feel even more comfortable around women than around men. Rejection from a woman will mean less to me than rejection from a man.
• I’m addicted to the internet – I feel like the internet will have better information for me than I can get in real life from real people I know. Because of the internet’s infinite scope, I think that the internet will be my ultimate source of truth. This, of course, is a deception. It’s like watching the shadow of a person rather than the person itself. People on the internet are just people. They have no better grasp of reality than I do myself. And then all writing is deceitful. So to get at the truth, I need to learn from real people instead. As for my internet usage, it should mainly be to propagate what I learn myself in the real world.
• I’m addicted to pornography – It’s an addiction I’ve clearly not broken. Last night I spent hours on a fairly mainstream site with ‘18+’ videos. I gave myself the excuse it’s not porn because most of the material on the site isn’t. But I know it is. Porn can be youtube, facebook, blogs, etc… And I looked through a ‘porn blog’ last night which was clearly pornography. I’ve prohibited myself from looking at porn because it’s a destructive influence. It leads to an enormous waste of time. And it gets in the way of real relationships with real women. Besides, there is no such thing as taking a break for an inconsequential period of time. A little more nap, a little more daydreaming, a little more internet surfing…can easily take up days at a time. And I’m not getting any younger. My time is limited. It’s just as limited now as when I’ll be an old man. When I’ll be an old man, it’ll just be more obvious.
• I’m addicted to masturbation – This is one I’ve been trying to break for the longest time. However, I still often masturbate 4, 5 times a day. It’s in my resolution not to. However, once I do and that day doesn’t get counted, I go nuts masturbating incessantly. If I want to be master of my domain, I need to realize that the point of the resolution is not the count. It does make an enormous difference that I masturbate “once more” on a day that isn’t counted. Besides I know that I can record the exact time my resolution begins. So that is not an excuse. I just count full days
• I’ve never had a girlfriend – And I want one. It gets harder as I get older because there are very few girls in my shoes. So I may have to lie. I don’t have any money. I live with my parents. I’m not very confident. I’m often dejected. I’m shy. I often appear creepy. These are all things I can change. First thing I need to do is swallow my pride.
• I’m too self-conscious about my appearance – I always worry that girls won’t find me attractive. But there are lots of other qualities they look for. My looks do not disqualify. A lot of other pathetic qualities disqualify me first.
• I’m too self-conscious about my age – I feel like I’m getting too old for too many things and I’ve wasted all my life. However, that’s bullshit. I still have my youth. I feel pretty young. Very few gals my age are married. And I would love to date a girl who is even 12 years my senior. The main thing to keep in mind is that I am just as worthy as anyone else in the world of anyone I desire. I should never limit myself. I should never put myself down. And I should feel comfortable around girls. If I feel weird, she’ll feel much weirder. This world makes as little sense for girls as it does for guys. However, we’re quite similar. Typically, we like the same movies, same books, same conversations, etc… So talk to her. Ask her out on a date. It’s nothing. It’s just like making a new friend.
• I get too little exercise – I need to stop procrastinating and learn to make a better schedule. Then I will make exercise a priority, equivalent to anything else. I currently have a Ballys membership. I should really use it. I should build up my conditioning, my strength, my abs, my boxing skill. I should make boxing a priority. Rather than wander the galleries, I could accomplish something in the meanwhile. I have my own dreams and aspirations. They don’t include wandering around looking at crap other people make.
• I don’t have income – First of all, I should keep the long term in focus. I can develop an excellent career that pays a great salary. I’m capable of doing so. I chose actuarial science. I will exercise my will. And make a career happen. In the meanwhile, I should take some less pleasing methods. If I do have the time, I should grovel for a bartending job or a server position. I need cash now. I need a method of independence now.

What did you expect?