I'm in the midst of another resolution. And I've failed these so many times before. But this time, it's different. I shortened the timeframe from 40 days to 6 days. I should have figured it out earlier that 40 days is completely out of proportion to my reference point. 6 days I can handle. 3 days have passed. Only 3 are left. Then I will have achieved something.

What did you expect?

Writing my thoughts down and seeing them on paper gives them a feeling of legitimacy. They sound so nonsensical when they’re still in the mind. In the mind, they’re fluid and constantly changing. I fear my thoughts will get lost or go in the wrong direction. So I adapt by thinking too much.

It’s been a lot more than a year since I’ve been trying to get through these 40 day resolutions. And here are some reasons why I always fail. First of all, all 7 of them are integrated. If one fails, all 7 fail. If one survives, the other 6 are on much stronger ground.

Only one of these 7 resolutions actually requires me to do something significant: keep a schedule.

In order of difficulty,

(1) Don’t disable the filter: what can be easier.
(2) Write down a schedule the night before: this can, in its most basic form, take as little as two minutes.
(3) Don’t lie down, except when I go to bed: how hard can that be? I’m exhausted? Don’t lie down for a nap. Brush my teeth, set a schedule and go to bed.
(4) Don’t look at porn: this has unfortunately been a long-term struggle for me. I remember days when I was hopelessly addicted. I literally couldn’t function without it. Now it seems to be less so. I’ve drilled into my mind enough times thoughts about how damaging it is. These days it seems to mostly come up when I’m surfing the net otherwise.
(5) Don’t surf the internet without a schedule: This is very difficult. For so long, the internet has been my life, my entertainment. My sin. My soul. My mind becomes lonely and scared at the thought that my computer be shut down for the night. How horrible! How inhumane! NO Ilyusha! These are precisely the kind of self-destructive mental loops that these resolutions are designed to get me out of.
(6) Don’t touch myself: I couldn’t live without it since I was 12. I’m so scared of stopping. I feel like I’ll self-combust if I do. But it glues me to these vicious, self-destructive cycles. I’m not a real person when I’m masturbating. I’m daydreaming. I’m pretending I’m someone else. I’m getting my body used to sensations in such a way that they detract from pleasures of real women.
(7) Keep to a schedule: This is the most difficult one. If I can do this, I am nearly guaranteed of accomplishing all of the other 6 resolutions combined. I have to be smart about this one. I have to know my limits before hand. I can not schedule more than those. Otherwise I’ll do less.


What did you expect?

I'm requiring a cathartic episode. I need to get a few things out of my mind and into writing. This way, my mind won't pursue the same perpetual loop out of a fear that I'll forget. I'm also currently on speed. And that has made my mind flood with insights.

Here's one issue. Every time I sit down at a computer in the library, all I can think about is web surfing. Current events I want to check up on "for only a few minutes." At times like these, I need to remind myself every time why exactly it is that I restricted that stuff in the first place. First of all, I used to spend hours a day looking this stuff up, reading the same stuff over and over again, constantly craving more, never having enough. It's like an alcoholic addiction. When I wasn't looking at it, it's the stuff I would think about all the time cause it would give me an enormous rush. Mental masturbation. Putting myself in the shoes of the characters involved. Trying to feel that rush. Superimposing that glory on myself in my own fantasies. It's extremely unhealthy. It's like a perpetual motion machine that just keeps turning faster and faster. Every time I come back to reality, the world loses it's color. Everything in my life seems so dull and boring. I feel like I can't live without my fantasies because my own life will only depress me. This isn't logical thinking. It's compulsive thinking. I actually sat down to write about completely different matters. However an urge to surf the web took over. So I decided to write about this instead.

Earlier this evening, I took a walk in the woods alone. I made a vow to myself there. I vowed that I would schedule my sleeping habits to a schedule. I won't stay in bed one minute longer than I need to so I can think about my life. I need to do as little thinking as possible in bed. Because I just make excuses to stay in bed longer and not face the world, often because I'm scared of the world and all the effort I'll have to put in. Well I know for a fact that I will never come to any profound realization in bed - only lots of extra masturbation. Extra bedtime is nothing but laziness. It's getting in my way. And I have to kill it.

The above goes for regular sleep and "quick naps." Naps should be avoided in general. I use them too often as an excuse to masturbate. And they're usually far longer than originally planned. So unless they're planned in advance, they are categorically banned.

I know it's bad luck to make more than one vow in the same day. However, this is an easy one and one that I already partially follow. And it's very important. Here it goes. I vow to completely ban all web surfing that's not immediately necessary at the library on library computers. Any web surfing I choose to do must be done on my laptop where I at least have the benefit of a filter to control it. But in the libary, where the internet is completely open, it's too dangerous. I risk a relapse into my fantasy-reality addiction. So I should also avoid facebook. I should avoid checking my e-mail more than twice a day. I can check my e-mail around lunchtime and dinner time but no more than that. Any more than that hurts me far more than it helps me. I don't receive more than a handful of important emails a week anyway.

Now on to the original purpose of this writing.

I just recalled the journalistic project I did in Hebron (Israel/West bank). I remember I enjoyed it immmensely. I gathered a story I've never read before. And I looked. I took interviews, photos, sights, sounds and experiences. I made some serious mistakes in those interviews. I was too confrontational when I should've just gathered stories. Anyway, I am much smarter now and better prepared for journalistic tasks. I should find venues to write in, develop assignments and carry them out. I would enrich my own life and that of others; participants and readers. I should think about it once I've caught up with my immediate responsibilities. And those have taken on the characteristics of a runaway train that I'm trying to catch up to with a hobble.

There's plenty more I want to write about. And they're all good things. However as long as I find the focus after I'm done with my overdue responsibilities, I'll do an even better job then. I shouldn't worry about forgetting and needing to record all my profound thoughts as they pop into my head. These thoughts, in and of themselves, are dirt cheap. It's only follow-through that gives them any worth. And that is only possible with focus and a good schedule. So breaking a good schedule for these reflections is inherently self-defeating.

What did you expect?

For the last couple days at least, I have finally allowed my compulsive internet surfing to subside. I got an internet filter called K9. It's the kind families use to stop their children from going where they should not. It works really well. I've put in a lost of websites that are restricted. And that list has expanded quite a bit because I kept looking for substitutes. Then I put in some url keywords that are banned. Now I feel okay. I've stopped random surfing for a few days. I just have to make sure, I don't surf on public computers. So far I haven't. But just now, I had a dangerous thought. I thought to myself that I should go read the news online to distract myself from my stress. It's the most dangerous idea. I know that if I go back to those things, I'll find a hook and then it's all over. So I just need alternative methods to relax. Or even better, now that I'm spending less time online, I'll be more organized with my studies.

I'm on the first day of another 40 day resolution. And I really need to focus on that. I need to follow it to the letter. If I break away from it for a minute, I'll almost certainly break away from it for good.

I thought I'd feel lousy without my compulsive behaviors. But I actually feel much better. I feel alive.

What did you expect?

Every day is a new beginning

I'm worried that I'm losing myself to compulsive behaviors. I have been either unwilling or unable to stop masturbating and looking at porn. I have barely made myself study at all during the past 3 weeks of school. I have hardly done anything productive whatsoever during the past 3 weeks. I hardly ever even got out of the house before 1 in the afternoon, often not till 5 in the afternoon. I've just been procrastinating the whole time, taking time for granted. And then I've been beating myself up, getting depressed, feeling like I'm a worthless lost cause.

I need to have patience. I watched a documentary this morning on the meth epidemic in the United States. It brought home the dangers of addiction. And all addiction is the same. It's all about instant gratification to the detriment of the user's life. That's my story right now. I need to change it and triumph.

I've done too much to lose myself. I need to find myself again. And I need to have patience. No matter how many times I fail, I will remind myself that all is not over. Every little bit counts. Every good deed counts. Just remember, one postive action brings on another. One transgression brings on another. The reward of a positive action is another positive action. And vice versa.

I will build my life on positive actions and with immediate effect.

What did you expect?

I was at one time doing so well. When I first moved to New York, I didn’t look at any porn for one and a half months. Now, it’s been a daily occurrence for two months. And no matter what I tell myself, I’m showing no signs of stopping. I’m wasting a lot of time. I’m wasting my life away.

There’s nothing I can tell myself to make myself change. I just have to do it. As much and as often as I can, I have to follow my schedule and exercise my will. I should do everything I can to keep myself disciplined.

What did you expect?

I can not believe it’s been this long since I wrote in my journal. I just went through Christmas break. It’s been a blur. It consisted of the same self-destructive cycle for over a month. Read the news, watch lots of porn, lie in bed a lot, masturbate a lot, day dream about all sorts of fantasies, think about how sorry my life is. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Every day was just another day. I have so many of them.

I’m glad school has started. It’s put me on a schedule. It’s given me some sort of framework.

There’s no point in getting upset. I make mistakes so I can learn from them. And if I’ve made the same mistake over and over again more times than I can possibly count, all the more so.

I don’t know what I can tell myself to make myself stop doing what I’m doing. So much of what I’m doing is impulsive and compulsive. I feel like I have no control of myself. At the same time, it is urgent that I start doing the right thing and put my life on a conscious plane. Otherwise, nothing will ever work out for me.

I must learn to write down a schedule and follow it in a manner as strictly as possible.

I keep telling myself, I need to avoid the internet when I can. It is not my friend. It is a necessary evil, in a sense. And I keep putting that off. It’s always just one more time.

I’ve been looking at porn relentlessly and getting off to it. And it only increases my loneliness.

I need to start living as if the hours are just as important as the days.