Internet pornography can be one of the most psychologically damaging things in the world. This is how the process goes. I am searching for my fantasy. Oh my god, I find it. My imagination goes into overdrive. I start masturbating. I can almost feel my fantasy come to life. As soon as it feels almost real, I finish. The rush subsides. I realize how lonely I am. I feel gross and I have to clean myself. But I'm on my bed and I'm tired. I then need to forget about how frustrated I feel. So I go back online for more porn. And the cycle goes on and on ad nauseum. At the end of the day, I'm only more depressed, feel like crap, I've wasted a lot of time, and there are a host of other issues. When I'm with a girl, I can't perform cause I've fucked up my system. I'm feeding an addiction which only becomes increasingly difficult to stop with time.

What did you expect?

My obsession with reading the news is because it's sensational. Often, I just want to read what people say. I read/watch the spin of politicians and pundits. And I become drunk with the drama. (I wonder how silly this sounds to some people.) Once again, I have to realize that I'm only one out of 6.5 billion people. The world does not care how much or how little I know about it. I need to look out for myself.

I believe it would be best if I banned myself from reading the news, at least for now, at least until I develop a concrete idea of something I can do about it. For now, this is just compulsive behavior that leads me to withdraw from life. And this is a crucial time for me.

What did you expect?

I suppose when I'm in a certain state of equilibrium, I tend to stay in that equilibrium.

I haven't even gotten close to keeping my resolution. I usually break it within a matter of hours or less. I'm a total mess.

One thing I need to do is recognize that I won't naturally do my work. That is not what I'm naturally inclined to do when distractions and easy entertainment present themselves. No, not at all. That is why I must do whatever I can to present myself with conditions conducive to work. I should go to the library whenever I can, even if it is a half an hour walk. I should never ever skimp over that.

I need to be cognizant of how finite time is. Every hour I waste I will never get back. And then I have to make do with less time. Cutting into sleep never works.

I must be cognizant of how fragile my focus is. If I break it by reading the news, I will require effort to return it.

I've been spending a lot of time reading the news and about social issues. Of course, there are noble pursuits therein. But they are not relevant to me right now at all. I must recognize that I'm only one person out of 6 billion. And concerning politics, I will always be recognized as such. I should stop reading up on things that are irrelevent to my own life.

What did you expect?

My main compulsive behavior right now is reading the news, particularly on Zimbabwe. I don't necessarily need to get into the reasons why. They don't matter. The point is, it's a destructive habit. And it's taking over my life at the moment. So I resolve to end it.

I remember, two years ago, I successfully restricted myself from reading all news entirely for a semester. And sure there was stuff I was dying to read. I went through a tough withdrawal period for a few days. Then it got easier. By the end, I didn't even want to read the news anymore. I can do the same thing now.

It is not urgent that I read the news. My life is in disarray. I need to put all my energies and focus into revitalizing my life. The best thing I can do to make that happen is to cut all distractions.

My main distraction is the internet. I must cut it, completely. I can make exceptions to certain websites such as e-mail, weather, local event listings for when I want to go out, a shopping page for something specific I need to buy, look up information for academics.... I'm getting sidetracked.

Anyway, I resolve to stay strict. Do whatever I can to see this resolution hold. And, I'll remember, it will get easier with time.
What did you expect?

I find my resolution cracking all the time. As soon as I start, I see cracks in its foundation. Last night, most of the time I was supposed to be working, I was actually surfing the internet. When I went to bed (for ~ 1 hour), I began masturbating. And just now, I spent an hour incessently reading the news again. For me, there is in fact, almost no difference between reading the news and viewing porn. They both get my heart racing, lead me to lose track of time, forget everything else around me.

I'm never going to be perfect. All this is normal. Human weakness is the most normal thing in the world. So I should never get upset over any of this stuff. I should just get back to work as quickly as possible. It's a hell of a lot better to study half the time than not at all. Every little bit counts. The world is built on positive action.

So, once again, I'll refocus. I'll start keeping my schedule. I'll stop surfing the internet and only control it for critical functions. I believe in myself no matter what. I can only make progress when I have a positive attitude.

What did you expect?

I tend to follow a distinct pattern. Porn viewing is followed by a long period of sulking. And then I spend hours on blogs that show how bad porn is like Shelley Lubben's Hardcore blog. It's kind of stupid because that stuff doesn't do anything to prevent compulsive behavior in the long run. In the end, it's about me and my mental health. My genre of porn is the "girls gone wild" variety. I don't find very arousing the porn where girls get paid. I give myself all sorts of excuses for looking at it when it's clear that it's a major source of misery.

I read some parts of a book called the Tanya written by a famous rabbi two hundred years ago. It repeatedly talks of this idea where in true repentance, one can actually turn his past evil into good. To do so, he writes, one has to develop a complete hatred for the aforementioned evil. That means I would have to leave no doubt in my mind as to the destructive nature of porn and masturbation. I have to hate them both completely.

Truthfully, I don't think I can do that in a very true sense. However, I believe I can do so in at least certain respects. I can swear off the internet as a source of entertainment. I can swear off masturbation as a source of misery. I can swear off pornography as a fantasy and thoroughly destructive influence in my life. Sure, I can't always tell what pornography is. And it won't be possible or necessarily desirable to banish sexual imagery from my life. Boundaries are not always crystal clear. However I can stop lying to myself. I can put my life on a conscious plane.

I can acknowledge that I'm an addict. I have a disease of the mind. I'm not "normal" and never will be. I can acknowledge that a clear state of mind takes incredible effort to achieve. There are things that will certainly wreck that state of mind. And I can't ignore this fact. I can recognize that I'm extremely weak. And I will need exceptional discipline to overcome my exceptional weakness.

For all I know, I am weaker and less capable than everyone I know. I may be lazier than everyone I know. I may have the most disorganized state of mind among everyone I know. However, I still have equal value as everyone else I know because I was created by God. Therefore, I must always try as hard as I can to stay responsible and become a stronger person every day. There are no excuses, ever.

A 40-day resolution will provide innumerable benefits. I've been trying to get through one for two years. Now I'll just try again with a consistent commitment to succeed.

What did you expect?

I think Lisa gave me herpes. My skin is beginning to crust under the head of my penis. I won't know for sure until I get tested. I'll do that after my finals in December. I fucked up badly. I had unprotected sex with her several times. And I kept promising myself I would stop.

I completely fell apart after my quiz on wednesday. I sat at a computer reading the news for hours afterwards. Then I did the same all day yesterday - internet surfing, porn, masturbation, lying in bed, wasting my life away. I'm weak. I'm very weak. I acknowledge my weakness. It is because of my weakness that I write myself a resolution. It's because of my weakness, I have to carefully look after the information I consume. It's why I have to avoid the internet. It's why I need a strict schedule to keep myself from falling apart. We're all weak in our own way. However, if I take the correct positive steps, I can turn my weakness into strength. That is my greatest goal.

What did you expect?

Lisa, the girl I was seeing for the last two months broke it off with me. I was half expecting it. I know I was a real drag over the last month. I was constantly stressing about classes. Most of the time, I was supposed to be doing my work, I wasnt - which exacerbated the situation. I put little genuine effort into the relationship. I hardly got serious about my addictions to internet surfing, procrastination, and masturbation. When she stayed over, I wouldn't be able to perform cause I masturbated too much before that. I was a wreck. I think that's why she wanted a way out. I don't really know because she didn't tell me.

She told me some bullshit answer. She told me she's not into me romantically even though she likes me and I'm a great guy. I thought that was really obnoxious cause it's clearly bullshit.

Anway, in retrospect, I think it all couldn't have turned out better. It was a wake-up call. It was a very real illustration of the painful consequences that result from impulsive, addictive behavior. The most important thing for me is to internalize all that transpired and use it to effect real improvements in my life.

Where to start - get strict with my resolution.

What did you expect?

Since the last post, I've broken that same resolution several times. Today, I just got to the library at 7 pm. How is this possible? I seem to be alternating regularly between good days and bad days. Thus, I'm at best just squeaknig by in my classes. I'm not getting any exercise. And my relationships are suffering.


I learned over and over again that it doesn't take much at all to trigger a relapse. First, I'll just decide to check the latest boxing news and nothing else. Next thing I know, I'm checking every news site, watching online videos, looking up porn and masturbating till evening. Then, I'll get depressed. My mind is shot. And I have to take another 3 hours to regain my focus. Meanwhile, I lose confidence that I can be a real person.


The key to this resolution is strictness. If I keep to it very strictly, I have a chance. As soon as I give in an inch, you know what happens. It's never too late to learn from my mistakes. At least I know better than ever now, what I need to do. I just need to learn to focus now and I will have turned the last relapse into something positive. Nothing is a waste of time.


I need to be extremely strict. I must set a schedule the night before for the following morning. I must avoid the internet at all times when it can be avoided. I have to make sure I never do anything at all to pleasure my penis. I need to keep my thoughts away from anything that will put me at risk of a relapse. I need to constantly remind myself that I'm not normal -- I have a disease. I need to stay positive at all times even when I can't find a reason to do so. Positivity is my default. (And there are always many reasons to stay positive - very few to be negatve.) I need to make sure that I never even think of lying down. I should schedule time with friends if I feel working all the time will be unrealistic. I should alternate subjects every two hours or so in order that learning doesn't get tedious. If I can focus on all of the above, I should be alright.

What did you expect?

I've been trying to implement a certain 40-day resolution for a while now. Almost two years in fact. This resolution has four basic tenets:

• No internet surfing, unscheduled.
• No masturbation of any sort.
• I have to keep to a schedule at all times.
• I can't take any naps, or lie down on my bed, unscheduled.

9 out of 10 times, I broke this resolution on either the first or second day. Still, I can't give up. I have to make it happen. Usually, all four get broken together. So, avoiding one leads to avoiding the rest. Breaking one will lead to breaking the rest. I need to think about each individually.

Internet surfing - this one needs to be placed under very tight wraps. I'm obsessed with certain events going on in the world, particularly Zimbabwe. And sometimes, it's all I can think about.

No Masturbation - I need to be extremely strict about this one if I'm going to avoid it. First thing, I need to do is stop looking at porn (see tenet above). Second, I need to make sure, I never even begin to pleasure myself. Because even the slightest touch can drive me off the wall. This will get easier and easier to keep once I become used to not touching myself at all. I even have a girl to do it for me, though that relationship is on the rocks.

Shedule - This one is key to the rest. I find usually in the course of a day, once I start on a schedule, I stay on it. So I need to be very diligent about setting a schedule for myself the night before. And then, I can't delay in the morning. All the time, I have this toxic feeling in the morning that I have all the time in the world. It's got to go.

Napping- I need to stay out of my room as often as I can. If I stay in my room, I'm vulnerable. Stay away as often as I can.

What did you expect?

Introspective Thoughts

The reason I haven't written in so long is because I haven't been interested in writing a blog. I've only been interested in writing a journal. It seemed stupid to just post the rants from my journal entries on the blog as they can be quite repetitive and boring. Still, I miss having an audience for my rants. So I will put my journal entries up on this blog.

I have some really serious issues I'm working through. Moving to New York in September gave me a feeling of a fresh start. So I stopped looking at porn for almost two months. I then fooled myself into believing that I'm no longer addicted. When I opened an internet porn website, I opened Pandora's box. And I've abused it for the last few weeks. I'm admitting for good now that internet porn is and always will be for me, an addictive substance. For me, it's just like cocaine. It has a terribly destructive effect on me.

I've been feeling down a lot lately for seemingly no reason. I've been lying in bed for twelve, thirteen hours. Sometimes I'll masturbate three, four times. Then, I'll get upset for wasting so much time. That, in turn, leads me to lie in bed longer. Further, I do something really really stupid. I actually tell myself that I can't get out of bed until I figure out a solution to my problems. I tell myself I don't want to get out of bed unless I know I'm not going to repeat the same mistakes. However, my bed is the least conducive environment for such introspective thinking. In fact, such thinking is impossible when I'm in my bed. Thus I must resolve to end this foolishness. I must get out of bed as quickly as possible. Getting out of bed is a prerequisite for any introspection/meditation I need to do. My bed can not ever again be the venue for these things.

What did you expect?