Introspective Thoughts

The reason I haven't written in so long is because I haven't been interested in writing a blog. I've only been interested in writing a journal. It seemed stupid to just post the rants from my journal entries on the blog as they can be quite repetitive and boring. Still, I miss having an audience for my rants. So I will put my journal entries up on this blog.

I have some really serious issues I'm working through. Moving to New York in September gave me a feeling of a fresh start. So I stopped looking at porn for almost two months. I then fooled myself into believing that I'm no longer addicted. When I opened an internet porn website, I opened Pandora's box. And I've abused it for the last few weeks. I'm admitting for good now that internet porn is and always will be for me, an addictive substance. For me, it's just like cocaine. It has a terribly destructive effect on me.

I've been feeling down a lot lately for seemingly no reason. I've been lying in bed for twelve, thirteen hours. Sometimes I'll masturbate three, four times. Then, I'll get upset for wasting so much time. That, in turn, leads me to lie in bed longer. Further, I do something really really stupid. I actually tell myself that I can't get out of bed until I figure out a solution to my problems. I tell myself I don't want to get out of bed unless I know I'm not going to repeat the same mistakes. However, my bed is the least conducive environment for such introspective thinking. In fact, such thinking is impossible when I'm in my bed. Thus I must resolve to end this foolishness. I must get out of bed as quickly as possible. Getting out of bed is a prerequisite for any introspection/meditation I need to do. My bed can not ever again be the venue for these things.

What did you expect?