I tend to follow a distinct pattern. Porn viewing is followed by a long period of sulking. And then I spend hours on blogs that show how bad porn is like Shelley Lubben's Hardcore blog. It's kind of stupid because that stuff doesn't do anything to prevent compulsive behavior in the long run. In the end, it's about me and my mental health. My genre of porn is the "girls gone wild" variety. I don't find very arousing the porn where girls get paid. I give myself all sorts of excuses for looking at it when it's clear that it's a major source of misery.

I read some parts of a book called the Tanya written by a famous rabbi two hundred years ago. It repeatedly talks of this idea where in true repentance, one can actually turn his past evil into good. To do so, he writes, one has to develop a complete hatred for the aforementioned evil. That means I would have to leave no doubt in my mind as to the destructive nature of porn and masturbation. I have to hate them both completely.

Truthfully, I don't think I can do that in a very true sense. However, I believe I can do so in at least certain respects. I can swear off the internet as a source of entertainment. I can swear off masturbation as a source of misery. I can swear off pornography as a fantasy and thoroughly destructive influence in my life. Sure, I can't always tell what pornography is. And it won't be possible or necessarily desirable to banish sexual imagery from my life. Boundaries are not always crystal clear. However I can stop lying to myself. I can put my life on a conscious plane.

I can acknowledge that I'm an addict. I have a disease of the mind. I'm not "normal" and never will be. I can acknowledge that a clear state of mind takes incredible effort to achieve. There are things that will certainly wreck that state of mind. And I can't ignore this fact. I can recognize that I'm extremely weak. And I will need exceptional discipline to overcome my exceptional weakness.

For all I know, I am weaker and less capable than everyone I know. I may be lazier than everyone I know. I may have the most disorganized state of mind among everyone I know. However, I still have equal value as everyone else I know because I was created by God. Therefore, I must always try as hard as I can to stay responsible and become a stronger person every day. There are no excuses, ever.

A 40-day resolution will provide innumerable benefits. I've been trying to get through one for two years. Now I'll just try again with a consistent commitment to succeed.

What did you expect?