I wonder what sort of mindset it takes to become one of the greats. Look at the former champion boxer, Vitali Klitschko. What is it that lead him to be so confident in himself for so long. I feel like since he was an adolescent, he convinced himself that he can do anything he puts his mind to. He developed terrific focus and kept to a plan. He found away to achieve his accomplishments. I now need to do the same.
I have absolutely no control over the past. I have complete control over the present and the future. And that is key. There's always meaningful work to do. And for the rest of my life.
What did you expect?
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
FINAL RESOLUTION
It's time I make a contract and live by it. I have already been remarkable successful with a contract on several counts. It's about time I take myself extremely seriously and make myself an extremely serious contract that's deserving of the stature in life I want to carve out. For a man like myself who could be accomplishing many great things, risking procrastination is much too high a risk. It's way too easy. I just wasted the whole day. So it's time I start putting serious effort. I've been trying to keep a schedule for myself for a while. However, there hasn't been a day in my life where I've been strict enough with myself over it. I make 90 minute appointments. And usually I only keep those for 45 or 60 minutes. So I must take myself seriously. Otherwise, I have no chance to claim my own stake. The world will wash me over like a dust particle if I don't 'put my fist on the table and make my demands' as Matisyahu said. I'm not that hopeless. I can follow my goals and my resolutions. I'll do it now. I'll rev up another 40 day resolution. And once again for posterity, these are the key points:
This is my test of wills. This is a time for me to prove to myself and prove to the world that I'm special. I'll be the little engine that could. I'll be one that kept going, that stayed motivated even when all hope seemed to be lost. I'll be the one with an endless reservoir of hope and will. I'll be the one who always dared to dream big, who never let anyone get in his way, who never let anyone get him down. My confidence is unbreakable.
When I think about caving in, I should just think for a moment of those who inspire me: Jack Johnson, Evander Holyfield, Snoopy, Charlie Brown, even my old roommate Santos.
I deserve no less than anyone else in the world. I shall be intimidated by nobody.
What did you expect?
- NO to pornography of ANY FORM, especially over the internet.
- NO to touching my penis.
- NO internet surfing unless it's in my schedule.
- NO television unless it's in my schedule (don't even turn it on).
- NO napping - I can not lie down on my bed unless I've brushed my teeth, gone to bed and scheduled sleep.
- Keep to a very strict schedule. DO NOT even give a minute away. It must be followed extremely strictly. I must do everything in my power to keep it unless something of extraordinary consequence gets in the way.
This is my test of wills. This is a time for me to prove to myself and prove to the world that I'm special. I'll be the little engine that could. I'll be one that kept going, that stayed motivated even when all hope seemed to be lost. I'll be the one with an endless reservoir of hope and will. I'll be the one who always dared to dream big, who never let anyone get in his way, who never let anyone get him down. My confidence is unbreakable.
When I think about caving in, I should just think for a moment of those who inspire me: Jack Johnson, Evander Holyfield, Snoopy, Charlie Brown, even my old roommate Santos.
I deserve no less than anyone else in the world. I shall be intimidated by nobody.
What did you expect?
Alright, so I had a relapse. It's 4:30 in the afternoon. I spent all day masturbating, perusing a few of the porn clips on fleshbot. Then I read some blogs. It's not a complete relapse. But it's getting dangerous. I need to bring myself back from the brink. No matter what, I have to make something of myself. I have to put in the effort - the toil, sweat and tears. [I just started thinking what website I can go to that will satisfy my porn addiction. NONE!!! Follow my schedule!
I must become someone. No internet surfing! It's painful to acknowledge. But I'm an addict. I'm not normal. And I may never be normal for the rest of my life. I may need to take certain precautions for a long time. Besides Fleshbot, I haven't looked at any other porn website. I must keep it that way. No way can I go back to the bad ol' days.
Watching that documentary about Jack Johnson inspired me. If you have a Netflix account, you can watch it 'instantly.' It's called 'Unforgivable Blackness.' It's about a man who insisted on being free when just about everyone in society told him otherwise. He once said, "my experience tells me that the best way to fight prejudice is to act with people of other races as if prejudice doesn't exist." He was an individualist. He did whatever pleased. He took great risks for his success and his pleasures.
What did you expect?
I must become someone. No internet surfing! It's painful to acknowledge. But I'm an addict. I'm not normal. And I may never be normal for the rest of my life. I may need to take certain precautions for a long time. Besides Fleshbot, I haven't looked at any other porn website. I must keep it that way. No way can I go back to the bad ol' days.
Watching that documentary about Jack Johnson inspired me. If you have a Netflix account, you can watch it 'instantly.' It's called 'Unforgivable Blackness.' It's about a man who insisted on being free when just about everyone in society told him otherwise. He once said, "my experience tells me that the best way to fight prejudice is to act with people of other races as if prejudice doesn't exist." He was an individualist. He did whatever pleased. He took great risks for his success and his pleasures.
What did you expect?
Man, I get uncontrollably turned on really easily. After watching an episode of Charlie Brown, I briefly turned on a video called Kama-sutra to simulate those positions. It was carefully shot so that neither the penis nor the vagina is shown. Anyway, I'm okay now. My erection went away. And I didn't do anything illegal. I just have to be more careful. I need to keep that bad stuff away.
Further, I need to spend less time on the internet. A lot of what I learned on the internet, I really want to unlearn. [I just started playing with myself to a fantasy about a girl I think I could have shagged.] I learned that there are some sick people out there. I don't want to type these things out here because I want to forget them. I just need to learn to control my use of the internet. It's dangerous. I don't have to walk to the wrong neighborhood. I don't have to open some magazine or some book or rent some video. It's all right there at the click of a button. Each website is as accessible as the last. This accessibility is a great tool and an even greater vice.
What did you expect?
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Jack Johnson
It is 4:30 am on a Saturday night. I'm at home, by the computer, by myself. My headphones are plugged in. I should be watching some softcore porn flick off of Netflix, reading some sexy time blogs, maybe even perusing internet pornography itself. I'm doing none of the above. Why not? For a while I had a raging boner, hard as a rock. How come tonight my animal instincts didn't take over me? If it's so simple, why didn't I do this before. Previous nights, I believe this was actually the twisted logic that led me into porn. I wouldn't let myself believe that quitting is that easy. Otherwise I have no excuse for quitting so late. Thus, the cycle continued. I've been using the internet for porn for probably 10 years. A few of those, I would spend hours searching for site after site only to see them all blocked. I remember, there was one which had pictures mostly of girls in bikinis, but it had the occasional boob or butt. That served enough masturbation fodder for my twisted mind. In the meanwhile, I wanted nothing to do with real girls cause I was too afraid of them.
Anyway, I'm getting tired.
I have such great dreams and aspirations.
I sometimes imagine the things I'm gonna say to women at a bar. What I say cannot sound like a canned line. Even if planned, it has to sound original and inspired in the moment. I have to give the impression from the outset that I am extremely confident, interesting, unafraid to speak my mind. I define masculinity. If with me, my girl will be a feminine princess and the envy of all her friends. I am Jack Johnson, Alexander the Great and Louis Armstrong all in one.
Speaking of Jack Johnson, I just watched the three and a half hour documentary called "Unforgivable Blackness." I watched it all in one sitting because I was so captivated by the story. It's the story of a man who insisted on being free. He said something like, "few men have led a more varied and more tumultuous life than I."
[I just ordered two collections of erotica by Anais Nin. Yep, that is exactly what I need right now.]
I'll continue this tomorrow. I'm tired now...
What did you expect?
Anyway, I'm getting tired.
I have such great dreams and aspirations.
I sometimes imagine the things I'm gonna say to women at a bar. What I say cannot sound like a canned line. Even if planned, it has to sound original and inspired in the moment. I have to give the impression from the outset that I am extremely confident, interesting, unafraid to speak my mind. I define masculinity. If with me, my girl will be a feminine princess and the envy of all her friends. I am Jack Johnson, Alexander the Great and Louis Armstrong all in one.
Speaking of Jack Johnson, I just watched the three and a half hour documentary called "Unforgivable Blackness." I watched it all in one sitting because I was so captivated by the story. It's the story of a man who insisted on being free. He said something like, "few men have led a more varied and more tumultuous life than I."
[I just ordered two collections of erotica by Anais Nin. Yep, that is exactly what I need right now.]
I'll continue this tomorrow. I'm tired now...
What did you expect?
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Sun May 25 thru Thurs. July 3 Focused Resolution for 40 days
I find in trying to follow the resolution I set for myself below, it's much easier to follow the 'NO' commandments. The ones that prohibit me from surfing the web, or watching tv or touching my penis or taking naps. [I just took a short break to play with myself]. So I will prioritize my resolution. I'm setting a focused resolution to
What did you expect?
- NO porn of any kind. (except if scheduled)
- NO internet surfing. (except if scheduled)
- NO tv surfing. (except if scheduled)
- NO touching of penis. (except if scheduled)
- NO napping (especially on my bed). (except if scheduled)
What did you expect?
Musing on Sex Addicts' Blogs
I've been reading some other sex addiction blogs, which I found very interesting. I found it interesting how the addiction is always coupled with justifications and excuses. In the end, it's just terrifying to leave the familiar. My mind is addicted because it doesn't like vulnerability. It doesn't trust it. Further, it's interesting that all the recovering sex addicts in the blogosphere rely on therapy, which is something I refuse to do. My destructive addiction currently is with pornography and masturbation. It can be a pretty bad cycle.
It's just really important to recognize that recovery is difficult. And I will have to put constant effort into doing so, usually much much more than I would like. I just need to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Easier said than done. But give myself some credit. I don't want to throw my life away. Or do I?
What did you expect?
It's just really important to recognize that recovery is difficult. And I will have to put constant effort into doing so, usually much much more than I would like. I just need to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Easier said than done. But give myself some credit. I don't want to throw my life away. Or do I?
What did you expect?
Friday, May 23, 2008
Every time I think I'm safe, I turn around to realize I'm on a slippery slope. I especially shouldn't be lead to believe I'm safe on the first day of my resolution. For instance, I just finished watching an episode of Charlie Brown which was in my schedule. Right after, I turn on the softcore porn movie Chained Heat 2. First of all, it's not in my schedule. Second of all, it's porn. I'm trying to protect my injury. I'm trying to get clean of this fantasy.Try a little harder. Stick to my schedule a little more strictly, even on friday night. Just don't mope. Either go out or get my work done efficiently. My mother, despite being very insulting, is right. It's time I grow up.
But it's not all negative. Today, I mostly stuck to my schedule, stuck to the resolution, and finished a first draft of the Columbia actuarial essay. I'm proud of myself. Keep up the good work.
What did you expect?
But it's not all negative. Today, I mostly stuck to my schedule, stuck to the resolution, and finished a first draft of the Columbia actuarial essay. I'm proud of myself. Keep up the good work.
What did you expect?
Thursday, May 22, 2008
A Verbal Beating
I took a verbal beating from my mother. It must have lasted an hour and a half. She yelled at me and papa, brutally. I hardly did anything useful since finals. That's why she yelled at me. Well, what have I been up to? All these days, I haven't been keeping a schedule. I got into masturbation. The porn came back for a few of those days. I would spend hours at a time reading blogs and looking through craigslist personals. Last 3 days, I refrained from actual porn. But I've been masturbating obsessively. Today I jerked off 6 times by 5 in the afternoon. I spent most of the day lying on my bed. I would jerk off to stop myself from looking at porn. I don't think that's appropriate.
I was mad at my mother for not being more understanding. It's a common problem to be unproductive. [I just took a break to surf craiglist casual encounters while playing with myself.] Even remarkably productive people I highly respect have had highly unproductive episodes. Enough excuses.
I need to discipline myself. My mind is damaged. I've been a chronic procrastinator, masturbator, porn purveyor for so long, I'm very bad at functioning any differently. And I don't even really know whether there's another way. Actually I do, but that way is always reserved for "tomorrow".
I know what my resolution says. I've already listed it before. But I'll repeat the obligations in order of importance:
What did you expect?
I was mad at my mother for not being more understanding. It's a common problem to be unproductive. [I just took a break to surf craiglist casual encounters while playing with myself.] Even remarkably productive people I highly respect have had highly unproductive episodes. Enough excuses.
I need to discipline myself. My mind is damaged. I've been a chronic procrastinator, masturbator, porn purveyor for so long, I'm very bad at functioning any differently. And I don't even really know whether there's another way. Actually I do, but that way is always reserved for "tomorrow".
I know what my resolution says. I've already listed it before. But I'll repeat the obligations in order of importance:
- NO PORNOGRAPHY of any sort.
- NO internet sufing of any sort - unless authorized in schedule in advance.
- NO touching of penis whatsoever.
- NO napping unlesss authorized in schedule.
- NO television surfing unless authorized in schedule.
- Keep to a schedule.
- Brush my teeth twice a day, then floss and use listerine.
- Hold to a regular workout schedule.
What did you expect?
All I seem to see nowadays is boobs and thighs. I'm home alone, not doing work, acting like I have all the time in the world. I'm hardly looking at porn. So instead I masturbate a lot. I masturbate to stop myself from looking at porn. I don't think that's a good strategy. My mind is so perverted right now.
I need to up my celibacy. Otherwise, I'm stuck in a state of living-death. I'll resume my resolution. First goal - one week.
Don't wait till it's too late. I must change the way my mind works. It's highly damaged.
What did you expect?
I need to up my celibacy. Otherwise, I'm stuck in a state of living-death. I'll resume my resolution. First goal - one week.
Don't wait till it's too late. I must change the way my mind works. It's highly damaged.
What did you expect?
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I'm halfway through my first day. And I'm already in dangerous territory. I've been surfing the internet, dabbling in internet porn, playing with myself a little bit. I hate to get into this much detail, but then I guess that is what this filthy blog is all about - all that is filthy about me.
Anyway, I must get on track. I need to keep to my schedule as best as I can. And I need to refrain from certain actions I have deemed extremely illegal. My immediate goal is 40 days. I just have to realize that a small transgression leads to a bigger one and so on. So the purer I stay today, the better my chances of success will be tomorrow.
Keep to my schedule. No internet. No tv. No daydreaming.
What did you expect?
Anyway, I must get on track. I need to keep to my schedule as best as I can. And I need to refrain from certain actions I have deemed extremely illegal. My immediate goal is 40 days. I just have to realize that a small transgression leads to a bigger one and so on. So the purer I stay today, the better my chances of success will be tomorrow.
Keep to my schedule. No internet. No tv. No daydreaming.
What did you expect?
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
A Pledge
I'm making a pledge on this blog that no matter where I am, no matter where I've done - I will not look at porn, I will not touch my penis. I will go back to my resolution. If I get into a hole, I will get out as quickly as I can. And I will erect fence around fence around fence to prevent myself from falling into this hole. A pledge on this blog. It is possible to cure oneself of this addiction by yourself.
I spent all day masturbating, pretty much. At first, I masturbated in the morning. That broke my 40 day commitment for the day. So I decided, I might as well run with it. I started looking at some porn; a certain girl, a certain variety --- that happened to intrigue me today. I stopped after maybe 10 minutes. I knew I'd get sucked in. So I went to my room and lay on my bed. I must have masturbated 4, 5 times until 4 in the afternoon. There went my day. At least I didn't get sucked into porn. Craig Gross from xxxchurch.com says that even if you quit smoking on your own or drugs or whatever, you will not quit pornography on your own. Again, I have noone I can talk to and certainly noone I wanna talk to. So I just have to be extra strict with myself. I have to get it straight that I have to put as close a lid on porn and masturbation as I can.
I have to completely restrict myself from internet and television unless it's in my schedule.
I'll toughen up a bit. I'm gonna be a man. Remember, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Never think too far ahead. Always, learn to focus on the immediate.
I have to completely restrict myself from internet and television unless it's in my schedule.
I'll toughen up a bit. I'm gonna be a man. Remember, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Never think too far ahead. Always, learn to focus on the immediate.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Confessions, couresy of mysecret.tv
I lost my virginity when I was 21. But my real confession is that I've never had a girlfriend, and I am ashamed of myself because I lack sexual experience because of it. I happen to be 40 years old presently. I feel like a teenager because of my lack of experience.
I lost my virginity to my husband, before we got married. He cheated on me, before we got married, and I knew about it. He cheated on me while we were married and I ignored it, lied to myself, and pretended it wasn't happening. I started working outside of the home, became good friends with a co-worker who listened to me and made me feel better, and then I cheated on my husband. He has never found out. We are divorcing now, I'm miserable, our children are miserable, we're all broken down and exhausted. I don't trust my "good-friend" who I cheated with, even though we are in a relationship, b/c I don't trust myself now. This hurts so bad, I feel sick, sometimes I just want to die. I only keep going for my daughter.
I confess to God that i have had sexual thoughts about adolesents and teens. I lost my virginity very early. and began masturbating and looking at porn much earlier. probably around 8 or 9. Please pray for me. I need healing. I need these thoughts to go away. I need to quit masturbating. God delivered me from. ciggarette, drug and alcohol addiction. So I have faith that he can deliver me from this also. am very embarrased. thank you so much for any prayers or thoughts. I know the Lord will be working through you.
I lost my virginity to a married man at the age of 22. I didn't know he was married. After I found out, I tried getting away from the relationship but I wasn't strong enough. The relationship continued and still continues for almost 3 years. I love him. He tells me he loves me and I believe him...just not completely. He is in the process of getting a divorce- he wants to make sure to leave his wife and little boy financially stable which is slowing down the whole process. Even though he tells me we will be together, I don't know if I really believe him. At least I have been strong enough to stop the sexual part of the relationship. My family doesn't know that I am still seeing him. They think that we are apart since I found out he is married. I feel shame for lying to those close to me. I worry that God will not let this relationship flourish since it formed on the basis of a sin. I ask for forgiveness for my sin, but how can I be forgiven when I haven't stopped sinning? No matter what I still am sinning...I ask for strength and forgiveness. I feel like I am self-destructing.
im 15 and i lost my virginity to a rich boy who goes to all the right schools last summer my dad approved of him and trusted me and him enough to come over essentially unsupervisedand even worse even though we were technically dating i knew he was dating at least 4 other girls because thats the kinda of guy he is i was also cheating on him i gave away the precious gift of my virginity to a boy who didnt and doesnt care about me i was simply someone willing for him to lose it with
When I was 16 I had dated this man who was 24 at the time, I was flattered and ignorant. I am very much ashamed of this time of my life because this man took my virginity. A week or so after he came to me crying (literally tears in his eyes) that his fiance was coming home and he felt very bad about how he had betrayed her. I was speechless and spineless, I just got out of the truck and went into my home. I had the power right there to tell my dad all about this and I know he would have had him arrested even if I stood there screaming not to I would have had no control and where I was from statutory rape carried up to 15 years in prison, but my father never new about my relationship with this 24 year old man or my shame. And even when my so called friend at the time (who was the one who introduced me to him) found out I had sex with him said that he and two other guys had a bet as to who would have sex with me first. I still didn't tell my dad. But I no longer hung out with them and my life slowly got better. I never told a soul how humiliated I was. A year later he came back, driving his mother's very old beat up car and told me his sob story how he lost his job because of drugs and that his wife left him, took all their possessions and his favored truck and moved back to her home state (Washington), he said he wanted to start up a relationship with me again. I didn't feel satisfaction like I thought I would at hearing of his downward spiral. But I was interested in someone else, (who I am married to now) and was definitely not interested in him. I was a bit stronger than I had been before and told him that I would like to just be friends. I never saw him again. But I do often reflect back on my life and wish that I had just said no. I only hope that he realizes the damage he did to a young innocent, young girl. I remember before I had sex with him my mother talking to me about waiting until I had found the one man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and marry him before having sex with him. She told me that I would later regret it if I didn't because someone who truly loves you for you will wait for that special day. Now that I am married to the man I will spend the rest of my life with I know exactly what she meant by regretting it later. And if by God's will he reads this? He will know exactly that this letter is meant for him. And I pray that he has turned his life around and all though I am ashamed I can't help but wonder if he looks back and is ashamed as well.
I have been vowing to save my virginity until marriage all my life. Then 2 weeks after my 20th birthday, I had sex with one of my best friends. He said that he was in love with me and wanted to start a relationship. 4 days later, I went to a party, got drunk, and had sex with one of my friends... not the same guy. I told the first guy, he freaked out and said it was over between us and couldn't trust me ever again. The thing is, I wasn't so regretful about sleeping with the second guy as I was that I told the first guy about it. I wish I hadn't told him. Now, I've gotten to the point where I just want to have sex. I enjoyed it. I used to have such a passionate relationship with Jesus and I talked to him everyday. He was the love of my life. He was EVERYTHING to me. Then I had sex, and I can't hear Him anymore. It's like He's not even there. I don't know what to do.I'm also addicted to masturbation, and I have been since I was 12 years old. I can't seem to stop, and it's gotten to the point where I'm not even feeling guilty about it anymore.
recently my dad, whose 57 years old, started dating this girl who'se only like 6 month older than i am and that makes me so angry that i just wish i could kill him. whenever this girl is around i get very angry and very jealous (because she should be attracted to me instead of my dad). another reason it makes me so jealous to see my dad with a girl my age is because i never had a girlfriend myself. i'm so bad with girls that i had to get hooked up with one to lose my virginity. i feel so much pain every single day knowing that i can't get myself a girlfriend, and seeing my dad with a girl my age and seeing him go to bed with her makes me feel even worse about myself. i hate myself and i hate my dad. on the other side of the coin, i just think it's plain wrong for somebody my dad's age to go out with a 20 year old girl. i wish you could pray for my dad and for me and for his little girlfriend... for the good of their souls.
My wife gets no pleasure from sex. I cant get enough of it. I would have sex 3 times a day if she would. We used to do that but now she just doesn't care. Since she's shut me out basically completely My mind and body went searching for something to fill that void and it resorted to pornography. Thank God it wasn't an affair or affairs but I still feel guilty but what do I do? I cant just tell her to lye there. She revealed to me that she was molested and raped as a child and that when we have sex it reminds her of it. She told me this after we got married and I cant help to think it's not fair. Some guy took my wifes virginity and I didn't. I was a vigin she told me she was a virgin (which she was in hers and in God's eyes). But why do I have to live with someone elses wrong doing, why am I paying for someone elses defiling act of imorality. Why do I not get to enjoy the pleasure of sex with my wife because of this ...... disgusting guy? Then I look at myself. Am I any better when I look at pornography which stems from this guys act of rape? I dont know what to think. Then I find myself yelling at my wife because she wont even think about having sex with me because she sees the pornography on the computer. Why this viscious circle? What did I do to deserve something, someone so defiled, what did she do to deserve to be defiled?Why do people do these things? What are they thinking? HOW DO THEY JUSTIFY DOING WHAT THEY DID? But I forgive you. God please help me to understand what my wife goes through everyday and help to find the way to make her forget and think of the purity of my love for her and cleans my life of this anger, hatred, and pornography. I am at your mercy please help me.
When I was young, my childhood was not a very stable one. I grew up in a family that did not respect nor like each other. I was molested by people who were supposed to be close to me. People who were supposed to protect me. The first time I was molested was by my god-sister, she was 16, I was about 51/2. I was visiting and even though I told her I was uncomfortable she told me that this was going to "fun". I was scared but who could I tell, who would believe me? After a while I looked forward to visiting her, even though I felt wrong afterwards. The molestation continued until her Mother caught her (us). I do not remember that day.I was later on molested by one of my male cousins on my 7th birthday, and later on in life another male cousin who came to visit us for the summer. As time went on I felt as if that was all I was meant for in life, to be molested. Then my step-father had me hump a doll, and stuck his finger inside me, all while his friends were in the living room.Then years later I went to beach with one of my stepfathers friends (yes he was still in my life), and he molested me. He took me out to the middle of the water where he knew I could not swim, I was only 8, and fingered me. I started crying and told him I wanted to go home. He finally took me back to the shore. His wife knew what he did, and told me not to tell my Mom. That she would never believe me, and her husband would get in trouble. He kept my panties as a reminder of what he did. I didn't tell, because I was afraid. All that I mentioned above started when I was around the age of 51/2 - 10. It made me feel useless and dirty. I started believing that the only way to find love would be to let people take advantage of me. I was 13 and my mother had started partying a lot, she would bring home her friends (male & female). Well, one of her male friends expressed interest in me, and pursued a relationship with me, he was 26yrs. old, I was only 13. He took my virginity, he did not rape me physically, but he did mentally rape me. I was tired of telling him no, tired of fighting off people on my life. I was used up by the time I was 15.I still haven't told you the worst thing yet. I turned around and became like all the other monsters in my life. I molested a half cousin, and my little brother when I was about 9 yrs old. I never fondled his genitals, but I did, lay on top of him, I am so ashamed of what I did. I want to bring it up to him, and apologize for doing to him what was done to me, but I am afraid of how he would respond. I am also afraid e would tell the family, and I am not ready to deal with the outcome. Please forgive me Lord. I sometimes want to commit suicide so that I can erase all that bad that I brought into the world with me. I am a disgusting person.
I lost my virginity when i was 17 to a married man in his own house, in his own bed. I saw pictures of his family all over and it tormented me, but he kept pushing it on me. Being a virgin i didn't know what I was missing so i didn't need sex. But it still happened. my best friend was in the room next to us with his cousin who was also married. While this was going on I had a boyfriend who i thought I was falling in love with. We had sex the weekend after that and he thought it was my first time and I had to pretend like it was. I never told anyone that i've slept with a dad, or a married man...because I can't imagine how it would feel to be married for so long and have your husband cheat on you with a 17 year old girl and show her everything that she needs to know about sex. That's terrible. I have different outlooks on life now, and i'm scared that I'll never find true love. I can't help but cheat. It happens every relationship I have. They never find out but my own guilt, and just me knowing is enough to kill myself. Not litterally, but, I just think it's hard to find somebody that will still want to take me as their wife knowing what I have done in the past and HOPE it doesn't happen again.
I dont even know where to begin,,,my life has been filled with nothing but shame and regret. When I was 15 I willingly had sex with a guy I wasnt even attracted to just to lose my virginity, because my friends had already and I wanted to "get it over with"...year after year and man after man followed the same...I cant even remember thier faces or thier names, I was even disgusted and repulsed by most of them, but I let them do whatever they wanted to me...I never said "No"..I hated every second of it but I didnt care enough about myself to stop doing this to myself. When I was 22 I gave my children away when they were 2 and 3 years old. I had just left an abusive relationship a year before, but i started taking my hurt out on them...I would yell and hit them...Im so ashamed of hurting them...I still cry about it now even though they are teenagers now. I wish i could go back and love them so much. A few years later, after I was divorced I got pregnant by a guy and had an abortion...I was going to keep it at first...i even had a girl's name picked out but my fear of having to go through what I did with my other children caused me to go ahead with it. Ive had sex with so many guys that never cared about me through my college years(and now in my 30s)I allowed myself to get hurt over and over again, just hoping just one of them would fall in love with me...Im ashamed because I always held on no matter how badly they disrespected me. Last year I decided to give up sex...until i get married...I was doing really well until this summer..a guy i dated before that i really loved came back into my life...i gave my promise to God away and rationalized away my conviction to celibacy...all to hold onto a relationship that ended after only a few months. Im ashamed that I would do this to God...to break a promise I made to Him. He tested me and again I failed...Im so ashamed of my life. Im 33 and Ive thrown so much of it away because I felt unloved. Ive asked for forgiveness so many times...and I ask for it again today Lord...but I still feel so unloved and alone and rejected. Please pray for me.
My secret. A dark one or so I thought-i read other's posts an realized i am not alone. I struggle with masturbation. I hate doing it. I hate the fact that it ties in with veiwing porn. I am a girl, I am in college, I am 20. I learned about masturbation from my mom cause we were just talking and the subject came up. I had no idea what it was, so she just said what it was, and told me it was bad, and I shouldn't do it. that was about 4 years ago. I didn't really get into regular masturbating until 2 or so years ago. I have no idea why I do it, I want to stop. I do, for a while, then I think how good it felt, and I do it again. I am at a christian college, which makes doing these things harder, but I still find a way around it...Pray for me
10 years ago I first had an indecent, sexual conversation online. That grew to seeing online porn, chatting and lots of foreplay with my bfriend. To this day I still battle with it and sometimes find myself masturbating, having illicit thoughts or even watching porn online. Minutes afterwards I realize what I'm doing and stop. It's a hard addiction to break. I was a missionary. I am a youth leader. I'm terrified of telling my future fiancee, yet looking forward to. Pray my brain and body would delete and forget that past. Not likely to happen.
I started masturbating and then couldn't stop. I blurted out the truth to my best (Christian) friend, and asked her to keep me accountable. But shame drove me back into hiding, because I still couldn't find a way out of the hole I'd dug. On top of all this, I'm an addictions counselor! And a hypocrite. I recently came clean before God and gave the problem over to Him. "God, I can't beat this. You died on the cross for me, You can beat death... this is Your problem now." And after that I didn't do it for almost 5 months. Then I got cocky and started counting up how much "clean time" *I* had. My pride went before a great fall. I am really struggling with this again. Please pray for me, that I may always remember Who has t
I lost my virginity to my husband, before we got married. He cheated on me, before we got married, and I knew about it. He cheated on me while we were married and I ignored it, lied to myself, and pretended it wasn't happening. I started working outside of the home, became good friends with a co-worker who listened to me and made me feel better, and then I cheated on my husband. He has never found out. We are divorcing now, I'm miserable, our children are miserable, we're all broken down and exhausted. I don't trust my "good-friend" who I cheated with, even though we are in a relationship, b/c I don't trust myself now. This hurts so bad, I feel sick, sometimes I just want to die. I only keep going for my daughter.
I confess to God that i have had sexual thoughts about adolesents and teens. I lost my virginity very early. and began masturbating and looking at porn much earlier. probably around 8 or 9. Please pray for me. I need healing. I need these thoughts to go away. I need to quit masturbating. God delivered me from. ciggarette, drug and alcohol addiction. So I have faith that he can deliver me from this also. am very embarrased. thank you so much for any prayers or thoughts. I know the Lord will be working through you.
I lost my virginity to a married man at the age of 22. I didn't know he was married. After I found out, I tried getting away from the relationship but I wasn't strong enough. The relationship continued and still continues for almost 3 years. I love him. He tells me he loves me and I believe him...just not completely. He is in the process of getting a divorce- he wants to make sure to leave his wife and little boy financially stable which is slowing down the whole process. Even though he tells me we will be together, I don't know if I really believe him. At least I have been strong enough to stop the sexual part of the relationship. My family doesn't know that I am still seeing him. They think that we are apart since I found out he is married. I feel shame for lying to those close to me. I worry that God will not let this relationship flourish since it formed on the basis of a sin. I ask for forgiveness for my sin, but how can I be forgiven when I haven't stopped sinning? No matter what I still am sinning...I ask for strength and forgiveness. I feel like I am self-destructing.
im 15 and i lost my virginity to a rich boy who goes to all the right schools last summer my dad approved of him and trusted me and him enough to come over essentially unsupervisedand even worse even though we were technically dating i knew he was dating at least 4 other girls because thats the kinda of guy he is i was also cheating on him i gave away the precious gift of my virginity to a boy who didnt and doesnt care about me i was simply someone willing for him to lose it with
When I was 16 I had dated this man who was 24 at the time, I was flattered and ignorant. I am very much ashamed of this time of my life because this man took my virginity. A week or so after he came to me crying (literally tears in his eyes) that his fiance was coming home and he felt very bad about how he had betrayed her. I was speechless and spineless, I just got out of the truck and went into my home. I had the power right there to tell my dad all about this and I know he would have had him arrested even if I stood there screaming not to I would have had no control and where I was from statutory rape carried up to 15 years in prison, but my father never new about my relationship with this 24 year old man or my shame. And even when my so called friend at the time (who was the one who introduced me to him) found out I had sex with him said that he and two other guys had a bet as to who would have sex with me first. I still didn't tell my dad. But I no longer hung out with them and my life slowly got better. I never told a soul how humiliated I was. A year later he came back, driving his mother's very old beat up car and told me his sob story how he lost his job because of drugs and that his wife left him, took all their possessions and his favored truck and moved back to her home state (Washington), he said he wanted to start up a relationship with me again. I didn't feel satisfaction like I thought I would at hearing of his downward spiral. But I was interested in someone else, (who I am married to now) and was definitely not interested in him. I was a bit stronger than I had been before and told him that I would like to just be friends. I never saw him again. But I do often reflect back on my life and wish that I had just said no. I only hope that he realizes the damage he did to a young innocent, young girl. I remember before I had sex with him my mother talking to me about waiting until I had found the one man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and marry him before having sex with him. She told me that I would later regret it if I didn't because someone who truly loves you for you will wait for that special day. Now that I am married to the man I will spend the rest of my life with I know exactly what she meant by regretting it later. And if by God's will he reads this? He will know exactly that this letter is meant for him. And I pray that he has turned his life around and all though I am ashamed I can't help but wonder if he looks back and is ashamed as well.
I have been vowing to save my virginity until marriage all my life. Then 2 weeks after my 20th birthday, I had sex with one of my best friends. He said that he was in love with me and wanted to start a relationship. 4 days later, I went to a party, got drunk, and had sex with one of my friends... not the same guy. I told the first guy, he freaked out and said it was over between us and couldn't trust me ever again. The thing is, I wasn't so regretful about sleeping with the second guy as I was that I told the first guy about it. I wish I hadn't told him. Now, I've gotten to the point where I just want to have sex. I enjoyed it. I used to have such a passionate relationship with Jesus and I talked to him everyday. He was the love of my life. He was EVERYTHING to me. Then I had sex, and I can't hear Him anymore. It's like He's not even there. I don't know what to do.I'm also addicted to masturbation, and I have been since I was 12 years old. I can't seem to stop, and it's gotten to the point where I'm not even feeling guilty about it anymore.
recently my dad, whose 57 years old, started dating this girl who'se only like 6 month older than i am and that makes me so angry that i just wish i could kill him. whenever this girl is around i get very angry and very jealous (because she should be attracted to me instead of my dad). another reason it makes me so jealous to see my dad with a girl my age is because i never had a girlfriend myself. i'm so bad with girls that i had to get hooked up with one to lose my virginity. i feel so much pain every single day knowing that i can't get myself a girlfriend, and seeing my dad with a girl my age and seeing him go to bed with her makes me feel even worse about myself. i hate myself and i hate my dad. on the other side of the coin, i just think it's plain wrong for somebody my dad's age to go out with a 20 year old girl. i wish you could pray for my dad and for me and for his little girlfriend... for the good of their souls.
My wife gets no pleasure from sex. I cant get enough of it. I would have sex 3 times a day if she would. We used to do that but now she just doesn't care. Since she's shut me out basically completely My mind and body went searching for something to fill that void and it resorted to pornography. Thank God it wasn't an affair or affairs but I still feel guilty but what do I do? I cant just tell her to lye there. She revealed to me that she was molested and raped as a child and that when we have sex it reminds her of it. She told me this after we got married and I cant help to think it's not fair. Some guy took my wifes virginity and I didn't. I was a vigin she told me she was a virgin (which she was in hers and in God's eyes). But why do I have to live with someone elses wrong doing, why am I paying for someone elses defiling act of imorality. Why do I not get to enjoy the pleasure of sex with my wife because of this ...... disgusting guy? Then I look at myself. Am I any better when I look at pornography which stems from this guys act of rape? I dont know what to think. Then I find myself yelling at my wife because she wont even think about having sex with me because she sees the pornography on the computer. Why this viscious circle? What did I do to deserve something, someone so defiled, what did she do to deserve to be defiled?Why do people do these things? What are they thinking? HOW DO THEY JUSTIFY DOING WHAT THEY DID? But I forgive you. God please help me to understand what my wife goes through everyday and help to find the way to make her forget and think of the purity of my love for her and cleans my life of this anger, hatred, and pornography. I am at your mercy please help me.
When I was young, my childhood was not a very stable one. I grew up in a family that did not respect nor like each other. I was molested by people who were supposed to be close to me. People who were supposed to protect me. The first time I was molested was by my god-sister, she was 16, I was about 51/2. I was visiting and even though I told her I was uncomfortable she told me that this was going to "fun". I was scared but who could I tell, who would believe me? After a while I looked forward to visiting her, even though I felt wrong afterwards. The molestation continued until her Mother caught her (us). I do not remember that day.I was later on molested by one of my male cousins on my 7th birthday, and later on in life another male cousin who came to visit us for the summer. As time went on I felt as if that was all I was meant for in life, to be molested. Then my step-father had me hump a doll, and stuck his finger inside me, all while his friends were in the living room.Then years later I went to beach with one of my stepfathers friends (yes he was still in my life), and he molested me. He took me out to the middle of the water where he knew I could not swim, I was only 8, and fingered me. I started crying and told him I wanted to go home. He finally took me back to the shore. His wife knew what he did, and told me not to tell my Mom. That she would never believe me, and her husband would get in trouble. He kept my panties as a reminder of what he did. I didn't tell, because I was afraid. All that I mentioned above started when I was around the age of 51/2 - 10. It made me feel useless and dirty. I started believing that the only way to find love would be to let people take advantage of me. I was 13 and my mother had started partying a lot, she would bring home her friends (male & female). Well, one of her male friends expressed interest in me, and pursued a relationship with me, he was 26yrs. old, I was only 13. He took my virginity, he did not rape me physically, but he did mentally rape me. I was tired of telling him no, tired of fighting off people on my life. I was used up by the time I was 15.I still haven't told you the worst thing yet. I turned around and became like all the other monsters in my life. I molested a half cousin, and my little brother when I was about 9 yrs old. I never fondled his genitals, but I did, lay on top of him, I am so ashamed of what I did. I want to bring it up to him, and apologize for doing to him what was done to me, but I am afraid of how he would respond. I am also afraid e would tell the family, and I am not ready to deal with the outcome. Please forgive me Lord. I sometimes want to commit suicide so that I can erase all that bad that I brought into the world with me. I am a disgusting person.
I lost my virginity when i was 17 to a married man in his own house, in his own bed. I saw pictures of his family all over and it tormented me, but he kept pushing it on me. Being a virgin i didn't know what I was missing so i didn't need sex. But it still happened. my best friend was in the room next to us with his cousin who was also married. While this was going on I had a boyfriend who i thought I was falling in love with. We had sex the weekend after that and he thought it was my first time and I had to pretend like it was. I never told anyone that i've slept with a dad, or a married man...because I can't imagine how it would feel to be married for so long and have your husband cheat on you with a 17 year old girl and show her everything that she needs to know about sex. That's terrible. I have different outlooks on life now, and i'm scared that I'll never find true love. I can't help but cheat. It happens every relationship I have. They never find out but my own guilt, and just me knowing is enough to kill myself. Not litterally, but, I just think it's hard to find somebody that will still want to take me as their wife knowing what I have done in the past and HOPE it doesn't happen again.
I dont even know where to begin,,,my life has been filled with nothing but shame and regret. When I was 15 I willingly had sex with a guy I wasnt even attracted to just to lose my virginity, because my friends had already and I wanted to "get it over with"...year after year and man after man followed the same...I cant even remember thier faces or thier names, I was even disgusted and repulsed by most of them, but I let them do whatever they wanted to me...I never said "No"..I hated every second of it but I didnt care enough about myself to stop doing this to myself. When I was 22 I gave my children away when they were 2 and 3 years old. I had just left an abusive relationship a year before, but i started taking my hurt out on them...I would yell and hit them...Im so ashamed of hurting them...I still cry about it now even though they are teenagers now. I wish i could go back and love them so much. A few years later, after I was divorced I got pregnant by a guy and had an abortion...I was going to keep it at first...i even had a girl's name picked out but my fear of having to go through what I did with my other children caused me to go ahead with it. Ive had sex with so many guys that never cared about me through my college years(and now in my 30s)I allowed myself to get hurt over and over again, just hoping just one of them would fall in love with me...Im ashamed because I always held on no matter how badly they disrespected me. Last year I decided to give up sex...until i get married...I was doing really well until this summer..a guy i dated before that i really loved came back into my life...i gave my promise to God away and rationalized away my conviction to celibacy...all to hold onto a relationship that ended after only a few months. Im ashamed that I would do this to God...to break a promise I made to Him. He tested me and again I failed...Im so ashamed of my life. Im 33 and Ive thrown so much of it away because I felt unloved. Ive asked for forgiveness so many times...and I ask for it again today Lord...but I still feel so unloved and alone and rejected. Please pray for me.
My secret. A dark one or so I thought-i read other's posts an realized i am not alone. I struggle with masturbation. I hate doing it. I hate the fact that it ties in with veiwing porn. I am a girl, I am in college, I am 20. I learned about masturbation from my mom cause we were just talking and the subject came up. I had no idea what it was, so she just said what it was, and told me it was bad, and I shouldn't do it. that was about 4 years ago. I didn't really get into regular masturbating until 2 or so years ago. I have no idea why I do it, I want to stop. I do, for a while, then I think how good it felt, and I do it again. I am at a christian college, which makes doing these things harder, but I still find a way around it...Pray for me
10 years ago I first had an indecent, sexual conversation online. That grew to seeing online porn, chatting and lots of foreplay with my bfriend. To this day I still battle with it and sometimes find myself masturbating, having illicit thoughts or even watching porn online. Minutes afterwards I realize what I'm doing and stop. It's a hard addiction to break. I was a missionary. I am a youth leader. I'm terrified of telling my future fiancee, yet looking forward to. Pray my brain and body would delete and forget that past. Not likely to happen.
I started masturbating and then couldn't stop. I blurted out the truth to my best (Christian) friend, and asked her to keep me accountable. But shame drove me back into hiding, because I still couldn't find a way out of the hole I'd dug. On top of all this, I'm an addictions counselor! And a hypocrite. I recently came clean before God and gave the problem over to Him. "God, I can't beat this. You died on the cross for me, You can beat death... this is Your problem now." And after that I didn't do it for almost 5 months. Then I got cocky and started counting up how much "clean time" *I* had. My pride went before a great fall. I am really struggling with this again. Please pray for me, that I may always remember Who has t
So what will it take. Pastor Craig Gross from XXXchurch.com says that porn addiction is impossible to stop by myself. I, however, need to give myself one more chance because there is noone I fully trust to disclose my addiction and further there is noone who I believe would be willing to help me with this problem. So I'm alone.
I will get through this through tremendous discipline. I will not waver from my schedule. I will recognize what is not necessary. I will erect fences upon fences. And I'll be alright.
I will get through this through tremendous discipline. I will not waver from my schedule. I will recognize what is not necessary. I will erect fences upon fences. And I'll be alright.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Redouble My Efforts
Last few days I've gotten myself into a quagmire of self-destruction. I've filled my days with internet surfing, tv, pacing in every direction, daydreaming, porn, masturbation, etc... I've let my mind wander into crazy, dark directions. I've let myself become depressed and feel sorry for myself. Everything bad, I've done.
So now, once again, I'd like to turn a new leaf. I'd like to tell myself that everything is okay. Shit happens to everyone. Every element of self-destruction is familiar to everyone. In terms of self-destruction, noone is unique. The past is behind me. All that matters now is the future. And that is what I have to start preparing for right now. I've broken my last 40 day resolution after 3 or 4 days. Now, I have to restart the resolution. And I have to look at it differently. Each day, I have to realize that I'm following the resolution not just to add another day to the count, but to make that day the best day it can possibly be for my life present and future. That is why I'm following the resolution. It's to get rid of all the junk that otherwise fills up my life. It's because pain is not the opposite of pleasure. Boredom is. So, once again, I will redouble my efforts. And this time, I will succeed.
So now, once again, I'd like to turn a new leaf. I'd like to tell myself that everything is okay. Shit happens to everyone. Every element of self-destruction is familiar to everyone. In terms of self-destruction, noone is unique. The past is behind me. All that matters now is the future. And that is what I have to start preparing for right now. I've broken my last 40 day resolution after 3 or 4 days. Now, I have to restart the resolution. And I have to look at it differently. Each day, I have to realize that I'm following the resolution not just to add another day to the count, but to make that day the best day it can possibly be for my life present and future. That is why I'm following the resolution. It's to get rid of all the junk that otherwise fills up my life. It's because pain is not the opposite of pleasure. Boredom is. So, once again, I will redouble my efforts. And this time, I will succeed.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
First Day a success, 39 to go
So it is technically the first day of my 40 day resolution that is about to come to an end. It's funny, in my resolution, I completely restricted internet surfing and tv watching. And now, after a day, I'm already used to it. It took a full day however. Before, I would subconsciously do these things. And I couldn't consciously bring myself around to turning these bad habits off. Somehow, I've already developed some self-control. And I'm currently going through some mental detox. This is only the first day. Through tomorrow I need to be extremely focused on doing well in my finals. Thursday and Friday I need to take care of graduate school applications. Over the weekend, I either need to continue getting work done or go to Boston. If my diligence is in doubt, it would be better to go to Boston.
Anyway, I'm rambling. I just got an A in calculus. Tomorrow, I have two more finals. And right now, I'm not ready. Posturing and pretending to study won't help me. I need to really work and make my time spent actually count. Don't be a coward. Don't stress out. Don't give up. Most important, don't break my resolution.
Anyway, I'm rambling. I just got an A in calculus. Tomorrow, I have two more finals. And right now, I'm not ready. Posturing and pretending to study won't help me. I need to really work and make my time spent actually count. Don't be a coward. Don't stress out. Don't give up. Most important, don't break my resolution.
It's 5 in the afternoon. My finals are tomorrow. I am not studying effectively. I'm not holding my focus. I know that as the moment of truth comes closer, I'll all of a sudden find my missing focus. And I'll wonder, if only I could have held this focus yesterday. So, while I'm still blessed with a little bit of time so that I don't have to get into panic mode yet, I'll focus. For you my imaginary readers, I will do my best. I will do this. I will make something of myself for you. Because if I can give hope to myself, I can certainly give hope to you.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Now that midnight has passed, I'm on day one of this resolution. I have 2 finals on wednesday. I'm awfully behind. I'm trying to remain calm and steady. I have a lot to learn. And rushing is no good. I need to somehow remain calm and stay focused. One section at a time, over 12, 14 hours, I will learn everything I need to learn. I just need to remain calm and not rush. It won't help
I had an interview today with a consumer research company in New York. I loved the company. I loved the people. I'm afraid I made a weak impression. I need to write down exactly what I've learned and what I need to do to move my life in a more positive direction. I've certainly come out with some very valuable lessons.
I had an interview today with a consumer research company in New York. I loved the company. I loved the people. I'm afraid I made a weak impression. I need to write down exactly what I've learned and what I need to do to move my life in a more positive direction. I've certainly come out with some very valuable lessons.
A 40 Day Resolution
I've decided to make a 40 day resolution for myself. This is a resolution I believe will offer me a good chance of holding onto certain good habits as long as I can hold onto them continuously for 40 days. Today is day 0 as I've broken it already. It will last from Tuesday May 13 to Sat. June 20th.
- I should hold to a schedule which I should always set for at least several hours ahead.
- I can not so much as touch my penis, not to mention masturbate.
- I can't look at porn of any kind.
- I can not surf the web unless it's in my schedule.
- I can not take naps, which never have good results.
- I can generally only check my e-mail once a day, barring extenuating circumstances.
- I can not randomly watch tv, unless it is scheduled.
- Always stay positive.
- When in doubt, always err on the safe side.
- Anything scheduled in advance receives exemption from the above guidelines.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Simple Beginning
I don't necessarily like fancy beginnings. I've chosen to start this blog as a confessional, a journal which I choose to share with the world uncensored. I'm keeping a journal anyhow. I thought, why don't I throw it out there so that anyone who wants to can benefit from it.
This is my journey. It starts from myself as a lost cause, a dust particle. Where will it end? That is an open-ended question. And it is wholesomely in my control.
This is my journey. It starts from myself as a lost cause, a dust particle. Where will it end? That is an open-ended question. And it is wholesomely in my control.
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