Jack Johnson

It is 4:30 am on a Saturday night. I'm at home, by the computer, by myself. My headphones are plugged in. I should be watching some softcore porn flick off of Netflix, reading some sexy time blogs, maybe even perusing internet pornography itself. I'm doing none of the above. Why not? For a while I had a raging boner, hard as a rock. How come tonight my animal instincts didn't take over me? If it's so simple, why didn't I do this before. Previous nights, I believe this was actually the twisted logic that led me into porn. I wouldn't let myself believe that quitting is that easy. Otherwise I have no excuse for quitting so late. Thus, the cycle continued. I've been using the internet for porn for probably 10 years. A few of those, I would spend hours searching for site after site only to see them all blocked. I remember, there was one which had pictures mostly of girls in bikinis, but it had the occasional boob or butt. That served enough masturbation fodder for my twisted mind. In the meanwhile, I wanted nothing to do with real girls cause I was too afraid of them.

Anyway, I'm getting tired.

I have such great dreams and aspirations.

I sometimes imagine the things I'm gonna say to women at a bar. What I say cannot sound like a canned line. Even if planned, it has to sound original and inspired in the moment. I have to give the impression from the outset that I am extremely confident, interesting, unafraid to speak my mind. I define masculinity. If with me, my girl will be a feminine princess and the envy of all her friends. I am Jack Johnson, Alexander the Great and Louis Armstrong all in one.

Speaking of Jack Johnson, I just watched the three and a half hour documentary called "Unforgivable Blackness." I watched it all in one sitting because I was so captivated by the story. It's the story of a man who insisted on being free. He said something like, "few men have led a more varied and more tumultuous life than I."

[I just ordered two collections of erotica by Anais Nin. Yep, that is exactly what I need right now.]

I'll continue this tomorrow. I'm tired now...
What did you expect?