I am so self-conscious sometimes. Even now, I look for every excuse not to do my work. I get distracted and I don't see the time moving. That is my biggest issue. Sometimes, I don't see time moving. I permit myself the illusion that I'll make up this time later. But that couldn't be farther from the truth.

The point is not how long I sit at my desk or how late I stay up. It's how much learning actually happens. And there have been many times when I sat for hours at a time not learning a single thing. I've spent many hours looking to copy answers rather than actually solve and understand them. But these issues never actually solve themselves. In the end, it becomes harder either catching up, cramming, failing tests, losing sleep, stressing out, losing out on a life, etc....

Every single half hour of study has to be specifically oriented towards solving a specific problem or another. Each half hour's time - what sort of study will most likely specifically help me solve a problem on one of the exams? I must be ready to answer that question at all times.

What did you expect?

I'm finally enjoying a little more success than I was before. I installed a filter on my computer. All I have to do now is obey the filter. I've already sort of disobeyed it once, but not too bad.

I have finals coming up soon. I'm extremely behind. I haven't been studying for them at all. And I find myself taking on a fatalistic attitude, like I'm gonna fail anyway why even bother. I should not fail. That would be disastrous. What will I do then??? All the time from now thru monday, I must work as hard and as much as I can. Don't take the time for granted. Every time I think about how little time I have, I just wanna run away. Don't run away. I can't guarantee I'll pass. But I can try. I can try my best from now till the end of finals. And I'll trust that a higher power, God, is directing me in the right direction. If I don't pass, I wanna know that at least I did the best damn good that I could. No excuses.

What did you expect?

I have a vision. I have a vision that I will not surf the internet today. And I will not surf tomorrow nor the day after. I won't play with the internet for something like 10, 12 days. And by then, I will not longer need to go online compulsively. I will still be addicted. But it will no longer be a daily struggle. For that to happen, I can't allow any traces of web surfing to enter my life. Today and tomorrow, I will keep my hands away from my crotch. And I will not go online. No exceptions.

What did you expect?

What I really need is an acute awareness of my potential and my limitations. I need to consistently be aware of my place in the world. For that to happen, I need to completely stop going online, at least for a little while. At least for 40 days.

What did you expect?

I keep running into the same issue. How do I stop my bad old habits from continuing. It's always one more time for me. Every time I go online to check the news, it's always the last time. Masturbating, always the last time.

I can not take anything for granted. I can not let up on myself. I must keep my efforts consistent. I need a complete paradigm shift. The minutes are even more important than the hours. The days are more important than the years.

I won't let up on myself. I certainly won't give up on myself. Positive action is all that defines me.

What did you expect?

Politicians are only there to use you when it's in their benefit. You don't exist as a person in their eyes.

Do not have any misconceptions that you are any less likely to be corrupted by the system than anyone else.

Guard your eyes, ears, and mouth. I may enjoy watching something, listening to something, saying something. Doesn't mean it's good for me or someone else. Doesn't mean I'm any better off for it. Don't rationalize. Human nature tends to rationalize what the heart wants. Guard your eyes, ears and mouth.

Looking leads to temptation and lust. Then I may attain the object of my desire. Then I feel only more empty and depressed. So I go for the next thrill because the next one will be the one to fulfill all my dreams. It's bullshit.

What did you expect?

Wisdom from the Pirkei Avot, "Ethics of Our Fathers"

ch. 2: 9. Rabbi Chanina the son of Dosa would say: One whose fear of sin takes precedence to his wisdom, his wisdom endures. But one whose wisdom takes precedence to his fear of sin, his wisdom does not endure.

10. He would also say: One whose deeds exceed his wisdom, his wisdom endures. But one whose wisdom exceeds his deeds, his wisdom does not endure.

He would also say: One who is pleasing to his fellow men, is pleasing to G-d. But one who is not pleasing to his fellow men, is not pleasing to G-d.

Rabbi Dosa the son of Hurkinas would say: Morning sleep, noontime wine, children's talk and sitting at the meeting places of the ignoramus, drive a person from the world.

...a safety fence for wisdom is silence.

He would also say: One whose wisdom is greater than his deeds, what is he comparable to? To a tree with many branches and few roots; comes a storm and uproots it, and turns it on its face. As is stated, "He shall be as a lone tree in a wasteland, and shall not see when good comes; he shall dwell parched in the desert, a salt land, uninhabited" (Jeremiah 17:6). But one whose deeds are greater than his wisdom, to what is he compared? To a tree with many roots and few branches, whom all the storms in the world cannot budge from its place. As is stated: "He shall be as a tree planted upon water, who spreads his roots by the river; who fears not when comes heat, whose leaf is ever lush; who worries not in a year of drought, and ceases not to yield fruit" (ibid., v. 8).

Who is strong? One who overpowers his inclinations. As is stated (Proverbs 16:32), "Better one who is slow to anger than one with might, one who rules his spirit than the captor of a city."

3. He would also say: Do not scorn any man, and do not discount any thing. For there is no man who has not his hour, and no thing that has not its place.

4. Rabbi Levitas of Yavneh would say: Be very, very humble, for the hope of mortal man is worms.

14. Rabbi Nehora'i would say: Exile yourself to a place of Torah; do not say that it will come after you, that your colleagues will help you retain it. Rely not on your own understanding.

Rabbi Matya the son of Charash would say: Be first to greet every man. Be a tail to lions, rather than a head to foxes.

19. Samuel the Small would say: "When your enemy falls, do not rejoice; when he stumbles, let your heart not be gladdened. Lest G-d see, and it will displeasing in His eyes, and He will turn His wrath from him [to you]" (Proverbs 24:17-18).

21. Rabbi Elazar HaKapor would say: Envy, lust and honor drive a man from the world.

22. He would also say: Those who are born will die, and the dead will live. The living will be judged, to learn, to teach and to comprehend that He is G-d, He is the former, He is the creator, He is the comprehender, He is the judge, He is the witness, He is the plaintiff, and He will judge. Blessed is He, for before Him there is no wrong, no forgetting, no favoritism, and no taking of bribes; know, that everything is according to the reckoning. Let not your heart convince you that the grave is your escape; for against your will you are formed, against your will you are born, against your will you live, against your will you die, and against your will you are destined to give a judgement and accounting before the king, king of all kings, the Holy One, blessed be He.

7. There are seven things that characterize a boor, and seven that characterize a wise man. A wise man does not speak before one who is greater than him in wisdom or age. He does not interrupt his fellow's words. He does not hasten to answer. His questions are on the subject and his answers to the point. He responds to first things first and to latter things later. Concerning what he did not hear, he says "I did not hear." He concedes to the truth. With the boor, the reverse of all these is the case.

3.Be careful with the government, for they befriend a person only for their own needs. They appear to be friends when it is beneficial to them, but they do not stand by a person at the time of his distress.

What did you expect?

I need to undergo an important paradigm shift. I'm all too accustomed to writing a 40-day resolution and then breaking it within a matter of hours. If only I can make this one a little different. Follow my resolution. It's for my own good, noone else's. Cut the gossip and bullshit. I don't need to know anything beyond my own circle.

What did you expect?

Internet pornography can be one of the most psychologically damaging things in the world. This is how the process goes. I am searching for my fantasy. Oh my god, I find it. My imagination goes into overdrive. I start masturbating. I can almost feel my fantasy come to life. As soon as it feels almost real, I finish. The rush subsides. I realize how lonely I am. I feel gross and I have to clean myself. But I'm on my bed and I'm tired. I then need to forget about how frustrated I feel. So I go back online for more porn. And the cycle goes on and on ad nauseum. At the end of the day, I'm only more depressed, feel like crap, I've wasted a lot of time, and there are a host of other issues. When I'm with a girl, I can't perform cause I've fucked up my system. I'm feeding an addiction which only becomes increasingly difficult to stop with time.

What did you expect?

My obsession with reading the news is because it's sensational. Often, I just want to read what people say. I read/watch the spin of politicians and pundits. And I become drunk with the drama. (I wonder how silly this sounds to some people.) Once again, I have to realize that I'm only one out of 6.5 billion people. The world does not care how much or how little I know about it. I need to look out for myself.

I believe it would be best if I banned myself from reading the news, at least for now, at least until I develop a concrete idea of something I can do about it. For now, this is just compulsive behavior that leads me to withdraw from life. And this is a crucial time for me.

What did you expect?

I suppose when I'm in a certain state of equilibrium, I tend to stay in that equilibrium.

I haven't even gotten close to keeping my resolution. I usually break it within a matter of hours or less. I'm a total mess.

One thing I need to do is recognize that I won't naturally do my work. That is not what I'm naturally inclined to do when distractions and easy entertainment present themselves. No, not at all. That is why I must do whatever I can to present myself with conditions conducive to work. I should go to the library whenever I can, even if it is a half an hour walk. I should never ever skimp over that.

I need to be cognizant of how finite time is. Every hour I waste I will never get back. And then I have to make do with less time. Cutting into sleep never works.

I must be cognizant of how fragile my focus is. If I break it by reading the news, I will require effort to return it.

I've been spending a lot of time reading the news and about social issues. Of course, there are noble pursuits therein. But they are not relevant to me right now at all. I must recognize that I'm only one person out of 6 billion. And concerning politics, I will always be recognized as such. I should stop reading up on things that are irrelevent to my own life.

What did you expect?

My main compulsive behavior right now is reading the news, particularly on Zimbabwe. I don't necessarily need to get into the reasons why. They don't matter. The point is, it's a destructive habit. And it's taking over my life at the moment. So I resolve to end it.

I remember, two years ago, I successfully restricted myself from reading all news entirely for a semester. And sure there was stuff I was dying to read. I went through a tough withdrawal period for a few days. Then it got easier. By the end, I didn't even want to read the news anymore. I can do the same thing now.

It is not urgent that I read the news. My life is in disarray. I need to put all my energies and focus into revitalizing my life. The best thing I can do to make that happen is to cut all distractions.

My main distraction is the internet. I must cut it, completely. I can make exceptions to certain websites such as e-mail, weather, local event listings for when I want to go out, a shopping page for something specific I need to buy, look up information for academics.... I'm getting sidetracked.

Anyway, I resolve to stay strict. Do whatever I can to see this resolution hold. And, I'll remember, it will get easier with time.
What did you expect?

I find my resolution cracking all the time. As soon as I start, I see cracks in its foundation. Last night, most of the time I was supposed to be working, I was actually surfing the internet. When I went to bed (for ~ 1 hour), I began masturbating. And just now, I spent an hour incessently reading the news again. For me, there is in fact, almost no difference between reading the news and viewing porn. They both get my heart racing, lead me to lose track of time, forget everything else around me.

I'm never going to be perfect. All this is normal. Human weakness is the most normal thing in the world. So I should never get upset over any of this stuff. I should just get back to work as quickly as possible. It's a hell of a lot better to study half the time than not at all. Every little bit counts. The world is built on positive action.

So, once again, I'll refocus. I'll start keeping my schedule. I'll stop surfing the internet and only control it for critical functions. I believe in myself no matter what. I can only make progress when I have a positive attitude.

What did you expect?

I tend to follow a distinct pattern. Porn viewing is followed by a long period of sulking. And then I spend hours on blogs that show how bad porn is like Shelley Lubben's Hardcore blog. It's kind of stupid because that stuff doesn't do anything to prevent compulsive behavior in the long run. In the end, it's about me and my mental health. My genre of porn is the "girls gone wild" variety. I don't find very arousing the porn where girls get paid. I give myself all sorts of excuses for looking at it when it's clear that it's a major source of misery.

I read some parts of a book called the Tanya written by a famous rabbi two hundred years ago. It repeatedly talks of this idea where in true repentance, one can actually turn his past evil into good. To do so, he writes, one has to develop a complete hatred for the aforementioned evil. That means I would have to leave no doubt in my mind as to the destructive nature of porn and masturbation. I have to hate them both completely.

Truthfully, I don't think I can do that in a very true sense. However, I believe I can do so in at least certain respects. I can swear off the internet as a source of entertainment. I can swear off masturbation as a source of misery. I can swear off pornography as a fantasy and thoroughly destructive influence in my life. Sure, I can't always tell what pornography is. And it won't be possible or necessarily desirable to banish sexual imagery from my life. Boundaries are not always crystal clear. However I can stop lying to myself. I can put my life on a conscious plane.

I can acknowledge that I'm an addict. I have a disease of the mind. I'm not "normal" and never will be. I can acknowledge that a clear state of mind takes incredible effort to achieve. There are things that will certainly wreck that state of mind. And I can't ignore this fact. I can recognize that I'm extremely weak. And I will need exceptional discipline to overcome my exceptional weakness.

For all I know, I am weaker and less capable than everyone I know. I may be lazier than everyone I know. I may have the most disorganized state of mind among everyone I know. However, I still have equal value as everyone else I know because I was created by God. Therefore, I must always try as hard as I can to stay responsible and become a stronger person every day. There are no excuses, ever.

A 40-day resolution will provide innumerable benefits. I've been trying to get through one for two years. Now I'll just try again with a consistent commitment to succeed.

What did you expect?

I think Lisa gave me herpes. My skin is beginning to crust under the head of my penis. I won't know for sure until I get tested. I'll do that after my finals in December. I fucked up badly. I had unprotected sex with her several times. And I kept promising myself I would stop.

I completely fell apart after my quiz on wednesday. I sat at a computer reading the news for hours afterwards. Then I did the same all day yesterday - internet surfing, porn, masturbation, lying in bed, wasting my life away. I'm weak. I'm very weak. I acknowledge my weakness. It is because of my weakness that I write myself a resolution. It's because of my weakness, I have to carefully look after the information I consume. It's why I have to avoid the internet. It's why I need a strict schedule to keep myself from falling apart. We're all weak in our own way. However, if I take the correct positive steps, I can turn my weakness into strength. That is my greatest goal.

What did you expect?

Lisa, the girl I was seeing for the last two months broke it off with me. I was half expecting it. I know I was a real drag over the last month. I was constantly stressing about classes. Most of the time, I was supposed to be doing my work, I wasnt - which exacerbated the situation. I put little genuine effort into the relationship. I hardly got serious about my addictions to internet surfing, procrastination, and masturbation. When she stayed over, I wouldn't be able to perform cause I masturbated too much before that. I was a wreck. I think that's why she wanted a way out. I don't really know because she didn't tell me.

She told me some bullshit answer. She told me she's not into me romantically even though she likes me and I'm a great guy. I thought that was really obnoxious cause it's clearly bullshit.

Anway, in retrospect, I think it all couldn't have turned out better. It was a wake-up call. It was a very real illustration of the painful consequences that result from impulsive, addictive behavior. The most important thing for me is to internalize all that transpired and use it to effect real improvements in my life.

Where to start - get strict with my resolution.

What did you expect?

Since the last post, I've broken that same resolution several times. Today, I just got to the library at 7 pm. How is this possible? I seem to be alternating regularly between good days and bad days. Thus, I'm at best just squeaknig by in my classes. I'm not getting any exercise. And my relationships are suffering.


I learned over and over again that it doesn't take much at all to trigger a relapse. First, I'll just decide to check the latest boxing news and nothing else. Next thing I know, I'm checking every news site, watching online videos, looking up porn and masturbating till evening. Then, I'll get depressed. My mind is shot. And I have to take another 3 hours to regain my focus. Meanwhile, I lose confidence that I can be a real person.


The key to this resolution is strictness. If I keep to it very strictly, I have a chance. As soon as I give in an inch, you know what happens. It's never too late to learn from my mistakes. At least I know better than ever now, what I need to do. I just need to learn to focus now and I will have turned the last relapse into something positive. Nothing is a waste of time.


I need to be extremely strict. I must set a schedule the night before for the following morning. I must avoid the internet at all times when it can be avoided. I have to make sure I never do anything at all to pleasure my penis. I need to keep my thoughts away from anything that will put me at risk of a relapse. I need to constantly remind myself that I'm not normal -- I have a disease. I need to stay positive at all times even when I can't find a reason to do so. Positivity is my default. (And there are always many reasons to stay positive - very few to be negatve.) I need to make sure that I never even think of lying down. I should schedule time with friends if I feel working all the time will be unrealistic. I should alternate subjects every two hours or so in order that learning doesn't get tedious. If I can focus on all of the above, I should be alright.

What did you expect?

I've been trying to implement a certain 40-day resolution for a while now. Almost two years in fact. This resolution has four basic tenets:

• No internet surfing, unscheduled.
• No masturbation of any sort.
• I have to keep to a schedule at all times.
• I can't take any naps, or lie down on my bed, unscheduled.

9 out of 10 times, I broke this resolution on either the first or second day. Still, I can't give up. I have to make it happen. Usually, all four get broken together. So, avoiding one leads to avoiding the rest. Breaking one will lead to breaking the rest. I need to think about each individually.

Internet surfing - this one needs to be placed under very tight wraps. I'm obsessed with certain events going on in the world, particularly Zimbabwe. And sometimes, it's all I can think about.

No Masturbation - I need to be extremely strict about this one if I'm going to avoid it. First thing, I need to do is stop looking at porn (see tenet above). Second, I need to make sure, I never even begin to pleasure myself. Because even the slightest touch can drive me off the wall. This will get easier and easier to keep once I become used to not touching myself at all. I even have a girl to do it for me, though that relationship is on the rocks.

Shedule - This one is key to the rest. I find usually in the course of a day, once I start on a schedule, I stay on it. So I need to be very diligent about setting a schedule for myself the night before. And then, I can't delay in the morning. All the time, I have this toxic feeling in the morning that I have all the time in the world. It's got to go.

Napping- I need to stay out of my room as often as I can. If I stay in my room, I'm vulnerable. Stay away as often as I can.

What did you expect?

Introspective Thoughts

The reason I haven't written in so long is because I haven't been interested in writing a blog. I've only been interested in writing a journal. It seemed stupid to just post the rants from my journal entries on the blog as they can be quite repetitive and boring. Still, I miss having an audience for my rants. So I will put my journal entries up on this blog.

I have some really serious issues I'm working through. Moving to New York in September gave me a feeling of a fresh start. So I stopped looking at porn for almost two months. I then fooled myself into believing that I'm no longer addicted. When I opened an internet porn website, I opened Pandora's box. And I've abused it for the last few weeks. I'm admitting for good now that internet porn is and always will be for me, an addictive substance. For me, it's just like cocaine. It has a terribly destructive effect on me.

I've been feeling down a lot lately for seemingly no reason. I've been lying in bed for twelve, thirteen hours. Sometimes I'll masturbate three, four times. Then, I'll get upset for wasting so much time. That, in turn, leads me to lie in bed longer. Further, I do something really really stupid. I actually tell myself that I can't get out of bed until I figure out a solution to my problems. I tell myself I don't want to get out of bed unless I know I'm not going to repeat the same mistakes. However, my bed is the least conducive environment for such introspective thinking. In fact, such thinking is impossible when I'm in my bed. Thus I must resolve to end this foolishness. I must get out of bed as quickly as possible. Getting out of bed is a prerequisite for any introspection/meditation I need to do. My bed can not ever again be the venue for these things.

What did you expect?

I feel as if G-d decided to give me a challenge. I feel as if he decided in the Spring or Summer; "okay Mr. Oho, you're giving yourself a lot of excuses. I'm going to take away all of these excuses from you. I'll take you away from your parents' house and I'll give you a nice room with a desk and internet in the most convenient part of Harlem. I'll get you in to Columbia, the best school in the country. I'll only give you three classes. I'll give you a direct career path. I'll give you connections to internships and jobs. I'll give you a nice pretty girl who likes everything about you; who's there to give you love and support - you'll have validation, intimacy and wonderful female companionship. She'll even sit with you and keep you focused. I'll give you adderall. I'll give you enough time to study and do well. I'll even ameliorate some of your addictions like internet and masturbation. I don't need to go on and on. In short, I've been stripped of all my excuses from the Fall, Spring, and Summer. I've been given the most auspicious circumstances I could have imagined while pacing around my parents' house. And still, I'm putting a question mark on whether I'll do well or not. Do I want to go back to my parents' house. If I do, I'll wish I would've done everything possible not to.

So now, I have to achieve the greatest task I've ever faced. I have to conquer all my self-destructive demons. I will act out of strength. I will gather willpower and hard work, perspicacity and organization to make my life work the way it's supposed to. The past is history. The Future is a Mystery. Today is a gift.

What did you expect?

He Can't Stop Masturbating

I guess someone always has it worse.

What did you expect?

2 Dreams

Two dreams. This morning is first.

I had a dream that I was my second or third day at Columbia. Regardless, it was a Monday. I had hw due and a test coming up. Columbia grad school was in Boston, while undergrad was in NY. I asked former Brandeis mate Ariel why is Columbia split that way. He said Universities do that to get more alumni money. I asked Ariel if he needed a ride on my bicycle. I was riding that big ugly bike. He said yeah, but he wanted to walk alongside me. I was in a hurry, so I ditched him. Then I ended up on a bus going into Columbia with Ben. Columbia looked like a bureaucratic complex from Prague – quaint and intimidating at the same time. I told the bus driver to drive us to the end. But at the end was an airfield where hovering pods where being developed. It was frightening. I felt so vulnerable under those high steel towers, noise and hovering pods. Ben and I ended up inside a hovering pod with Ben driving, just to cause trouble. And then I woke up.

I had a dream a few nights ago where me and my family where in some sort of waterpark. It didn’t look safe. Haphazard wood work led to slides we weren’t sure were together themselves. We got to the top of a platform. I pushed my sister’s elbow, noting that I did not push her body at all. Yet she still stumbled to the edge and fell off. She was lying face down in a pool of water after a fall that must have broke her spine. I was about to cry. At the same time, I wanted to reassure myself that my pushing had no physical effect on her body stumbling forward – psychological, maybe.

What did you expect?

I’m recovering from a long relapse. I’m highly addicted to pornography and masturbation and I’m powerless to stop. And guess what? I’m starting yet another 40 day resolution. And this is only my first day. It’s such a familiar feeling to be on the first day of my 40 day resolution. Well, actually it feels pretty good. I’m usually on “day zero.” On Wednesday, my family is going to Russia. It will afford me the time to go wherever I want, do whatever I want. But thing aren’t so simple right now. I need to find a job and start some sort of career.

I took a bike ride to Piermont yesterday evening. As I was looking out over the Hudson river, I did some thinking. I need to be serious with my 40 day resolution. In 40 days, I could either be on my way to getting a life. Or I could be spending my time masturbating on the internet. I should do whatever I can to get over my addiction. And it will be more painful than I can imagine at this moment.

The only way it’s going to work this time, is if I seriously limit my triggers. I need to stop going online except when it’s absolutely essential. I should check my e-mail at most once a day, maybe even every other day when I’m not expecting anything important. Sure, it will limit me in some respects. But the consequences of falling back into my addiction are too great. I can only go online when I have a specific task I need to accomplish. Otherwise, I have to live my life offline.

Also, another pattern has severely hampered my recovery. When I begin to relapse, I continue a little more … and then a little more … and then a little more. Why not, since I no longer have several days count behind me. And I know this is actually what is most devastating. This is the crux of my problem. My problem is not the morning of day number 5 where I masturbated before getting out of bed. It’s that I choose to then go out of control. It’s what follows my initial relapse that constitutes the vast majority of my problems.

There’s another dominant factor into the perpetuation of my addiction. I look back at my past behavior. I realize that it is so absurd, I should discount it. I think that behavior is impossible to perpetuate, so I can continue to relapse. I choose not to acknowledge the fact that I have a problem.

Staying at home amplifies my addictions. I go insane from loneliness. Seeing noone else makes me feel so alone and depressed that I go to the internet to relieve my loneliness. It’s where I see blog conversations. It’s where I see my fantasies unfold. It’s mesmerizing. And yet it’s (as Aish HaTorah taught me) the counterfeit pleasure. Through the internet, I neglect my responsibilities and the mundane tasks that will lead me to the real pleasure.

So I need to find ways to ensure that I follow these mundane tasks like studying for actuarial exams and avoid compulsive behavior. And I need to avoid my daydreams. I have very passionate daydreams about likely hypothetical situations. I have daydreams where I relive past event on my own terms. I need to work on all these things.

And I just need to remember that every little bit counts. Where I can do something good, a Mitzvah, I should do it. Not delay, not save for later, not make excuses. It’s each little thing that will help tip the balance. The consequence of not doing one good little thing could be infinite. So, please, for my own sake, do every little good thing. And avoid every single little bad thing, no matter how hard. It’ll be worth it.

What did you expect?

This video scares. This is what I really don't want to become.

What did you expect?

I decided to try a 40 day resolution for the thousand and first time. This time, I decided to limit the scope. I decided I won't concern myself with any social matters like girls or even friends. Otherwise, a girl not calling me back can put me into depression for the weekend. I'm trying to set up a solid foundation. I should virtually not use the internet. I should not masturbate. I shouldn't typically even call any friends. I should just focus on my studies, getting a job, actuarial exams, boxing and other athletic pursuits, etc... I need a foundation to work off of.

Then again, this is only the first day.

What did you expect?

Before my recent small relapse, I forgot how addictive internet porn can be. I was just thinking about going home and getting back to my old habits. Then, I decided to come to the library, think it over. And I decided against it. Think about it. Some things are pleasurable for the moment. However, they're highly addictive. They lead to a world of fantasy rather than reality. I need to let it go for today...then tomorrow. Then after this shall pass, I need to remember not to go back.

I must set up a framework for my life and live by it. I'll set up a very strict framework. Maybe I'll be able to hold on to it for 40 days.

What did you expect?

I hate porn. I especially hate famous porn stars and starlets. I was just watching the HBO documentary 'Down in the Valley; Real Sex Extra.' It got me really pissed off. If you watch these porn "movies," you can't tell if the stars are retarded or not. All they do is fuck on camera. And they get paid really really well for it.

Famous porn starlets have moldings made out of their body parts. I heard Jenna Jameson say of her plastic vagina, "you can put blankets around it and pretend there's a real woman there." Oh my God. That is exactly what would make my life wonderful; a plastic vagina I can fuck.

It pisses me off that people buy so much of this crap. We're just participating in a circle of retardation.

What did you expect?

Porn is dangerous. Make no mistake about it. This afternoon, I decided to indulge in it for maybe 20 minutes. Now that I've again embarked on my 40 day resolution, it is taking every ounce of my strength to refrain from jerking off. The clips I saw were my fantasy. Now, I can't get my mind off them. I decided to write in the blog cause I was about to give up. But I'm hangin in there.

I'm having these episodes where at first I feel powerless and my mind starts making up excuses to give up. Then, I think about the consequences and I come back to myself. I must stay 'sober' till tomorrow night thru probability class. Then, I'll have a good chance.

What did you expect?

Isn't it interesting. I feel virtually powerless over my compulsions this afternoon. I'm going to refrain from engaging them. I promise.

What did you expect?

I sure am familiar with self-destruction. I know how to zone out everything constructive I could be doing. Instead, I'll spend days at a time jerkin off, surfing the net and surfing porn. I'm addicted. I read on HBO's site featuring addiction that addiction develops in the part of the brain that is not subject to conscious thought. That means, it is sometimes not possible to will your addictive behavior to go away. I am, in some ways, powerless. I believe, what that means, is that I have to develop a very strict structure in my life that will keep a lid on the cravings. I need to develop a structure so strict that it will overcome the strongest craving I may have. That is the beast I'm dealing with. I've been trying to keep a schedule for a while. Problem is, I often neglect to make one. And worse, I neglect to strictly keep it. However, if I do manage to instill in me a deep sense of discipline with this schedule, I have a good chance of overcoming my addiction.

My addiction to porn seems to be coming under control. My addiction to compulsive masturbation is completely out of control. I need to stop. So, once again, I've set up a 40 day resolution which prohibits certain harmful activities. I need to keep to it. I also need to keep a set of activities that will help me control my cravings. And I need to define them.

• Social outings. I should see good friends. And find some girls to hang out with.
• Study my academic subjects with joy
• Prepare for my actuarial exams with a profound sense of purpose.
• Learn Torah, read profound writings.
• Work out. Run, lift, go to boxing practice. That will help the compulsions a lot.

One of my problems is that I count success in days. I evaluate my success by the number of days I remain sober. So if I break my sobriety, I tend to figure that since the day is fucked, I might as well run with my compulsions for a little bit. That's the wrong attitude. I'm trying to implement a lifestyle change. I'm trying to develop self-control. Relapses happen. The goal is to keep them as short as I can, not enjoy them for as long as I can. Hopefully, I'll provide you readers with a 40 day success story.

What did you expect?

MY FAULTS

• I daydream – I daydream about past events in my life where I dream about how they could have gone differently. Or I daydream about potential future events. I dream about how my life will be completely different. I imagine that I haven’t started really living yet. My real life is yet to begin. And that is an awful mentality to have. My life is now! It’s time to let go of these fantasies.
• I procrastinate – Victims include e-mails, hw assignments, social gatherings, trips, workouts, art projects. I always believe I need to give myself that one last hour of procrastination as a goodbye party. Such things simply do not exist. Those who Do Things, do not wait. They finish what they have to do. And then they pontificate. Daydreaming is never the priority. Doing always is. I should always put doing before daydreaming, waiting and procrastinating.
• I do not follow my resolution – It always fails. It never goes past 3 days and rarely past 2. I always fall apart. The reasons for this relate to rationales already mentioned. I convince myself of some great suffering I need to think about. Stop doing that. FOLLOW MY RESOLUTION! 40 days – it will help me out enormously. It will demonstrate to me a completely different way of life that I’m quite sure would be far healthier than the one I live now. I need to take every necessary precaution to make sure I follow my resolution. For instance, go to the library rather than staying at home.
• I do not feel comfortable around women – I always feel like women are a different species. I feel like they’re from a different planet. I get really scared about what I say to them. I get really scared at seeming like a “creep.” I feel like they’ll just give me a little forced politeness and then turn around and snicker. I feel like rejection before I get it. And this fault is one that eats at me from the inside. It makes me feel like half a man. I must turn this around and no later than NOW. I will feel even more comfortable around women than around men. Rejection from a woman will mean less to me than rejection from a man.
• I’m addicted to the internet – I feel like the internet will have better information for me than I can get in real life from real people I know. Because of the internet’s infinite scope, I think that the internet will be my ultimate source of truth. This, of course, is a deception. It’s like watching the shadow of a person rather than the person itself. People on the internet are just people. They have no better grasp of reality than I do myself. And then all writing is deceitful. So to get at the truth, I need to learn from real people instead. As for my internet usage, it should mainly be to propagate what I learn myself in the real world.
• I’m addicted to pornography – It’s an addiction I’ve clearly not broken. Last night I spent hours on a fairly mainstream site with ‘18+’ videos. I gave myself the excuse it’s not porn because most of the material on the site isn’t. But I know it is. Porn can be youtube, facebook, blogs, etc… And I looked through a ‘porn blog’ last night which was clearly pornography. I’ve prohibited myself from looking at porn because it’s a destructive influence. It leads to an enormous waste of time. And it gets in the way of real relationships with real women. Besides, there is no such thing as taking a break for an inconsequential period of time. A little more nap, a little more daydreaming, a little more internet surfing…can easily take up days at a time. And I’m not getting any younger. My time is limited. It’s just as limited now as when I’ll be an old man. When I’ll be an old man, it’ll just be more obvious.
• I’m addicted to masturbation – This is one I’ve been trying to break for the longest time. However, I still often masturbate 4, 5 times a day. It’s in my resolution not to. However, once I do and that day doesn’t get counted, I go nuts masturbating incessantly. If I want to be master of my domain, I need to realize that the point of the resolution is not the count. It does make an enormous difference that I masturbate “once more” on a day that isn’t counted. Besides I know that I can record the exact time my resolution begins. So that is not an excuse. I just count full days
• I’ve never had a girlfriend – And I want one. It gets harder as I get older because there are very few girls in my shoes. So I may have to lie. I don’t have any money. I live with my parents. I’m not very confident. I’m often dejected. I’m shy. I often appear creepy. These are all things I can change. First thing I need to do is swallow my pride.
• I’m too self-conscious about my appearance – I always worry that girls won’t find me attractive. But there are lots of other qualities they look for. My looks do not disqualify. A lot of other pathetic qualities disqualify me first.
• I’m too self-conscious about my age – I feel like I’m getting too old for too many things and I’ve wasted all my life. However, that’s bullshit. I still have my youth. I feel pretty young. Very few gals my age are married. And I would love to date a girl who is even 12 years my senior. The main thing to keep in mind is that I am just as worthy as anyone else in the world of anyone I desire. I should never limit myself. I should never put myself down. And I should feel comfortable around girls. If I feel weird, she’ll feel much weirder. This world makes as little sense for girls as it does for guys. However, we’re quite similar. Typically, we like the same movies, same books, same conversations, etc… So talk to her. Ask her out on a date. It’s nothing. It’s just like making a new friend.
• I get too little exercise – I need to stop procrastinating and learn to make a better schedule. Then I will make exercise a priority, equivalent to anything else. I currently have a Ballys membership. I should really use it. I should build up my conditioning, my strength, my abs, my boxing skill. I should make boxing a priority. Rather than wander the galleries, I could accomplish something in the meanwhile. I have my own dreams and aspirations. They don’t include wandering around looking at crap other people make.
• I don’t have income – First of all, I should keep the long term in focus. I can develop an excellent career that pays a great salary. I’m capable of doing so. I chose actuarial science. I will exercise my will. And make a career happen. In the meanwhile, I should take some less pleasing methods. If I do have the time, I should grovel for a bartending job or a server position. I need cash now. I need a method of independence now.

What did you expect?

Progress

I'm on my way to proving the pastors at xxxchurch.com wrong. I haven't surfed porn for two weeks now. And most of that time, I was home alone by a computer with high-speed internet. My mind was full of excruciatingly exciting websites I wanted to go on. I broke it a few times in somewhat subtle ways. However, I held fast. I did it by lying on my bed jerkin off. That was not the best idea.

Now, I want to take it up a notch. I want to completely control my internet and television surfing in the same way. I'll keep to a schedule. And I can only do it one day at a time. Start with today. Keep a schedule thru thursday. The three day weekend will be exponentialy harder. So if I set up a good base these three days, I'll have a decent chance.

I think I give off a bit of a "dirty" vibe. And it still hasn't worn off. But I'm trying. Do they realize how long it's been since I've refrained from porn for so long while I had unfettered access. Discipline. I can have it.

And I feel better about myself. I feel good that I'm on my way to conquering my demons. Keep it up. I like this.

What did you expect?

I wonder what sort of mindset it takes to become one of the greats. Look at the former champion boxer, Vitali Klitschko. What is it that lead him to be so confident in himself for so long. I feel like since he was an adolescent, he convinced himself that he can do anything he puts his mind to. He developed terrific focus and kept to a plan. He found away to achieve his accomplishments. I now need to do the same.

I have absolutely no control over the past. I have complete control over the present and the future. And that is key. There's always meaningful work to do. And for the rest of my life.

What did you expect?

Note to self:

Be extremely careful about any and all unchecked internet surfing. It will somehow lead to 'I know what.' Stay focused!

What did you expect?

FINAL RESOLUTION

It's time I make a contract and live by it. I have already been remarkable successful with a contract on several counts. It's about time I take myself extremely seriously and make myself an extremely serious contract that's deserving of the stature in life I want to carve out. For a man like myself who could be accomplishing many great things, risking procrastination is much too high a risk. It's way too easy. I just wasted the whole day. So it's time I start putting serious effort. I've been trying to keep a schedule for myself for a while. However, there hasn't been a day in my life where I've been strict enough with myself over it. I make 90 minute appointments. And usually I only keep those for 45 or 60 minutes. So I must take myself seriously. Otherwise, I have no chance to claim my own stake. The world will wash me over like a dust particle if I don't 'put my fist on the table and make my demands' as Matisyahu said. I'm not that hopeless. I can follow my goals and my resolutions. I'll do it now. I'll rev up another 40 day resolution. And once again for posterity, these are the key points:

• NO to pornography of ANY FORM, especially over the internet.
  
• NO to touching my penis.
  
• NO internet surfing unless it's in my schedule.
• NO television unless it's in my schedule (don't even turn it on).
• NO napping - I can not lie down on my bed unless I've brushed my teeth, gone to bed and scheduled sleep.
• Keep to a very strict schedule. DO NOT even give a minute away. It must be followed extremely strictly. I must do everything in my power to keep it unless something of extraordinary consequence gets in the way.

It's going to be difficult. This is more than most reasonable people put themselves through. However, I want to be someone. And I won't take no for an answer. I will go after what I want. I will take risks and put in extraordinary effort for my success and my pleasures.

This is my test of wills. This is a time for me to prove to myself and prove to the world that I'm special. I'll be the little engine that could. I'll be one that kept going, that stayed motivated even when all hope seemed to be lost. I'll be the one with an endless reservoir of hope and will. I'll be the one who always dared to dream big, who never let anyone get in his way, who never let anyone get him down. My confidence is unbreakable.

When I think about caving in, I should just think for a moment of those who inspire me: Jack Johnson, Evander Holyfield, Snoopy, Charlie Brown, even my old roommate Santos.

I deserve no less than anyone else in the world. I shall be intimidated by nobody.

What did you expect?

Alright, so I had a relapse. It's 4:30 in the afternoon. I spent all day masturbating, perusing a few of the porn clips on fleshbot. Then I read some blogs. It's not a complete relapse. But it's getting dangerous. I need to bring myself back from the brink. No matter what, I have to make something of myself. I have to put in the effort - the toil, sweat and tears. [I just started thinking what website I can go to that will satisfy my porn addiction. NONE!!! Follow my schedule!

I must become someone. No internet surfing! It's painful to acknowledge. But I'm an addict. I'm not normal. And I may never be normal for the rest of my life. I may need to take certain precautions for a long time. Besides Fleshbot, I haven't looked at any other porn website. I must keep it that way. No way can I go back to the bad ol' days.

Watching that documentary about Jack Johnson inspired me. If you have a Netflix account, you can watch it 'instantly.' It's called 'Unforgivable Blackness.' It's about a man who insisted on being free when just about everyone in society told him otherwise. He once said, "my experience tells me that the best way to fight prejudice is to act with people of other races as if prejudice doesn't exist." He was an individualist. He did whatever pleased. He took great risks for his success and his pleasures.

What did you expect?

Man, I get uncontrollably turned on really easily. After watching an episode of Charlie Brown, I briefly turned on a video called Kama-sutra to simulate those positions. It was carefully shot so that neither the penis nor the vagina is shown. Anyway, I'm okay now. My erection went away. And I didn't do anything illegal. I just have to be more careful. I need to keep that bad stuff away.

Further, I need to spend less time on the internet. A lot of what I learned on the internet, I really want to unlearn. [I just started playing with myself to a fantasy about a girl I think I could have shagged.] I learned that there are some sick people out there. I don't want to type these things out here because I want to forget them. I just need to learn to control my use of the internet. It's dangerous. I don't have to walk to the wrong neighborhood. I don't have to open some magazine or some book or rent some video. It's all right there at the click of a button. Each website is as accessible as the last. This accessibility is a great tool and an even greater vice.

What did you expect?

Jack Johnson

It is 4:30 am on a Saturday night. I'm at home, by the computer, by myself. My headphones are plugged in. I should be watching some softcore porn flick off of Netflix, reading some sexy time blogs, maybe even perusing internet pornography itself. I'm doing none of the above. Why not? For a while I had a raging boner, hard as a rock. How come tonight my animal instincts didn't take over me? If it's so simple, why didn't I do this before. Previous nights, I believe this was actually the twisted logic that led me into porn. I wouldn't let myself believe that quitting is that easy. Otherwise I have no excuse for quitting so late. Thus, the cycle continued. I've been using the internet for porn for probably 10 years. A few of those, I would spend hours searching for site after site only to see them all blocked. I remember, there was one which had pictures mostly of girls in bikinis, but it had the occasional boob or butt. That served enough masturbation fodder for my twisted mind. In the meanwhile, I wanted nothing to do with real girls cause I was too afraid of them.

Anyway, I'm getting tired.

I have such great dreams and aspirations.

I sometimes imagine the things I'm gonna say to women at a bar. What I say cannot sound like a canned line. Even if planned, it has to sound original and inspired in the moment. I have to give the impression from the outset that I am extremely confident, interesting, unafraid to speak my mind. I define masculinity. If with me, my girl will be a feminine princess and the envy of all her friends. I am Jack Johnson, Alexander the Great and Louis Armstrong all in one.

Speaking of Jack Johnson, I just watched the three and a half hour documentary called "Unforgivable Blackness." I watched it all in one sitting because I was so captivated by the story. It's the story of a man who insisted on being free. He said something like, "few men have led a more varied and more tumultuous life than I."

[I just ordered two collections of erotica by Anais Nin. Yep, that is exactly what I need right now.]

I'll continue this tomorrow. I'm tired now...
What did you expect?

Sun May 25 thru Thurs. July 3 Focused Resolution for 40 days

I find in trying to follow the resolution I set for myself below, it's much easier to follow the 'NO' commandments. The ones that prohibit me from surfing the web, or watching tv or touching my penis or taking naps. [I just took a short break to play with myself]. So I will prioritize my resolution. I'm setting a focused resolution to

• NO porn of any kind. (except if scheduled)
  
• NO internet surfing. (except if scheduled)
  
• NO tv surfing. (except if scheduled)
  
• NO touching of penis. (except if scheduled)
  
• NO napping (especially on my bed). (except if scheduled)

And look at the lucky timing. If I succeed, I get to celebrate on July 4th.

What did you expect?

Musing on Sex Addicts' Blogs

I've been reading some other sex addiction blogs, which I found very interesting. I found it interesting how the addiction is always coupled with justifications and excuses. In the end, it's just terrifying to leave the familiar. My mind is addicted because it doesn't like vulnerability. It doesn't trust it. Further, it's interesting that all the recovering sex addicts in the blogosphere rely on therapy, which is something I refuse to do. My destructive addiction currently is with pornography and masturbation. It can be a pretty bad cycle.

It's just really important to recognize that recovery is difficult. And I will have to put constant effort into doing so, usually much much more than I would like. I just need to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Easier said than done. But give myself some credit. I don't want to throw my life away. Or do I?

What did you expect?

Every time I think I'm safe, I turn around to realize I'm on a slippery slope. I especially shouldn't be lead to believe I'm safe on the first day of my resolution. For instance, I just finished watching an episode of Charlie Brown which was in my schedule. Right after, I turn on the softcore porn movie Chained Heat 2. First of all, it's not in my schedule. Second of all, it's porn. I'm trying to protect my injury. I'm trying to get clean of this fantasy.Try a little harder. Stick to my schedule a little more strictly, even on friday night. Just don't mope. Either go out or get my work done efficiently. My mother, despite being very insulting, is right. It's time I grow up.

But it's not all negative. Today, I mostly stuck to my schedule, stuck to the resolution, and finished a first draft of the Columbia actuarial essay. I'm proud of myself. Keep up the good work.

What did you expect?

A Verbal Beating

I took a verbal beating from my mother. It must have lasted an hour and a half. She yelled at me and papa, brutally. I hardly did anything useful since finals. That's why she yelled at me. Well, what have I been up to? All these days, I haven't been keeping a schedule. I got into masturbation. The porn came back for a few of those days. I would spend hours at a time reading blogs and looking through craigslist personals. Last 3 days, I refrained from actual porn. But I've been masturbating obsessively. Today I jerked off 6 times by 5 in the afternoon. I spent most of the day lying on my bed. I would jerk off to stop myself from looking at porn. I don't think that's appropriate.

I was mad at my mother for not being more understanding. It's a common problem to be unproductive. [I just took a break to surf craiglist casual encounters while playing with myself.] Even remarkably productive people I highly respect have had highly unproductive episodes. Enough excuses.

I need to discipline myself. My mind is damaged. I've been a chronic procrastinator, masturbator, porn purveyor for so long, I'm very bad at functioning any differently. And I don't even really know whether there's another way. Actually I do, but that way is always reserved for "tomorrow".

I know what my resolution says. I've already listed it before. But I'll repeat the obligations in order of importance:

1. NO PORNOGRAPHY of any sort.
2. NO internet sufing of any sort - unless authorized in schedule in advance.
3. NO touching of penis whatsoever.
4. NO napping unlesss authorized in schedule.
5. NO television surfing unless authorized in schedule.
6. Keep to a schedule.
7. Brush my teeth twice a day, then floss and use listerine.
8. Hold to a regular workout schedule.
   

It's easier to keep the "NOs" than the commands to do things. So I'll first focus on the NOs.

What did you expect?

All I seem to see nowadays is boobs and thighs. I'm home alone, not doing work, acting like I have all the time in the world. I'm hardly looking at porn. So instead I masturbate a lot. I masturbate to stop myself from looking at porn. I don't think that's a good strategy. My mind is so perverted right now.

I need to up my celibacy. Otherwise, I'm stuck in a state of living-death. I'll resume my resolution. First goal - one week.

Don't wait till it's too late. I must change the way my mind works. It's highly damaged.

What did you expect?

I'm halfway through my first day. And I'm already in dangerous territory. I've been surfing the internet, dabbling in internet porn, playing with myself a little bit. I hate to get into this much detail, but then I guess that is what this filthy blog is all about - all that is filthy about me.

Anyway, I must get on track. I need to keep to my schedule as best as I can. And I need to refrain from certain actions I have deemed extremely illegal. My immediate goal is 40 days. I just have to realize that a small transgression leads to a bigger one and so on. So the purer I stay today, the better my chances of success will be tomorrow.

Keep to my schedule. No internet. No tv. No daydreaming.

What did you expect?

A Pledge

I'm making a pledge on this blog that no matter where I am, no matter where I've done - I will not look at porn, I will not touch my penis. I will go back to my resolution. If I get into a hole, I will get out as quickly as I can. And I will erect fence around fence around fence to prevent myself from falling into this hole. A pledge on this blog. It is possible to cure oneself of this addiction by yourself.

I spent all day masturbating, pretty much. At first, I masturbated in the morning. That broke my 40 day commitment for the day. So I decided, I might as well run with it. I started looking at some porn; a certain girl, a certain variety --- that happened to intrigue me today. I stopped after maybe 10 minutes. I knew I'd get sucked in. So I went to my room and lay on my bed. I must have masturbated 4, 5 times until 4 in the afternoon. There went my day. At least I didn't get sucked into porn. Craig Gross from xxxchurch.com says that even if you quit smoking on your own or drugs or whatever, you will not quit pornography on your own. Again, I have noone I can talk to and certainly noone I wanna talk to. So I just have to be extra strict with myself. I have to get it straight that I have to put as close a lid on porn and masturbation as I can.

I have to completely restrict myself from internet and television unless it's in my schedule.

I'll toughen up a bit. I'm gonna be a man. Remember, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Never think too far ahead. Always, learn to focus on the immediate.

Confessions, couresy of mysecret.tv

I lost my virginity when I was 21. But my real confession is that I've never had a girlfriend, and I am ashamed of myself because I lack sexual experience because of it. I happen to be 40 years old presently. I feel like a teenager because of my lack of experience.

I lost my virginity to my husband, before we got married. He cheated on me, before we got married, and I knew about it. He cheated on me while we were married and I ignored it, lied to myself, and pretended it wasn't happening. I started working outside of the home, became good friends with a co-worker who listened to me and made me feel better, and then I cheated on my husband. He has never found out. We are divorcing now, I'm miserable, our children are miserable, we're all broken down and exhausted. I don't trust my "good-friend" who I cheated with, even though we are in a relationship, b/c I don't trust myself now. This hurts so bad, I feel sick, sometimes I just want to die. I only keep going for my daughter.


I confess to God that i have had sexual thoughts about adolesents and teens. I lost my virginity very early. and began masturbating and looking at porn much earlier. probably around 8 or 9. Please pray for me. I need healing. I need these thoughts to go away. I need to quit masturbating. God delivered me from. ciggarette, drug and alcohol addiction. So I have faith that he can deliver me from this also. am very embarrased. thank you so much for any prayers or thoughts. I know the Lord will be working through you.

I lost my virginity to a married man at the age of 22. I didn't know he was married. After I found out, I tried getting away from the relationship but I wasn't strong enough. The relationship continued and still continues for almost 3 years. I love him. He tells me he loves me and I believe him...just not completely. He is in the process of getting a divorce- he wants to make sure to leave his wife and little boy financially stable which is slowing down the whole process. Even though he tells me we will be together, I don't know if I really believe him. At least I have been strong enough to stop the sexual part of the relationship. My family doesn't know that I am still seeing him. They think that we are apart since I found out he is married. I feel shame for lying to those close to me. I worry that God will not let this relationship flourish since it formed on the basis of a sin. I ask for forgiveness for my sin, but how can I be forgiven when I haven't stopped sinning? No matter what I still am sinning...I ask for strength and forgiveness. I feel like I am self-destructing.

im 15 and i lost my virginity to a rich boy who goes to all the right schools last summer my dad approved of him and trusted me and him enough to come over essentially unsupervisedand even worse even though we were technically dating i knew he was dating at least 4 other girls because thats the kinda of guy he is i was also cheating on him i gave away the precious gift of my virginity to a boy who didnt and doesnt care about me i was simply someone willing for him to lose it with

When I was 16 I had dated this man who was 24 at the time, I was flattered and ignorant. I am very much ashamed of this time of my life because this man took my virginity. A week or so after he came to me crying (literally tears in his eyes) that his fiance was coming home and he felt very bad about how he had betrayed her. I was speechless and spineless, I just got out of the truck and went into my home. I had the power right there to tell my dad all about this and I know he would have had him arrested even if I stood there screaming not to I would have had no control and where I was from statutory rape carried up to 15 years in prison, but my father never new about my relationship with this 24 year old man or my shame. And even when my so called friend at the time (who was the one who introduced me to him) found out I had sex with him said that he and two other guys had a bet as to who would have sex with me first. I still didn't tell my dad. But I no longer hung out with them and my life slowly got better. I never told a soul how humiliated I was. A year later he came back, driving his mother's very old beat up car and told me his sob story how he lost his job because of drugs and that his wife left him, took all their possessions and his favored truck and moved back to her home state (Washington), he said he wanted to start up a relationship with me again. I didn't feel satisfaction like I thought I would at hearing of his downward spiral. But I was interested in someone else, (who I am married to now) and was definitely not interested in him. I was a bit stronger than I had been before and told him that I would like to just be friends. I never saw him again. But I do often reflect back on my life and wish that I had just said no. I only hope that he realizes the damage he did to a young innocent, young girl. I remember before I had sex with him my mother talking to me about waiting until I had found the one man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and marry him before having sex with him. She told me that I would later regret it if I didn't because someone who truly loves you for you will wait for that special day. Now that I am married to the man I will spend the rest of my life with I know exactly what she meant by regretting it later. And if by God's will he reads this? He will know exactly that this letter is meant for him. And I pray that he has turned his life around and all though I am ashamed I can't help but wonder if he looks back and is ashamed as well.

I have been vowing to save my virginity until marriage all my life. Then 2 weeks after my 20th birthday, I had sex with one of my best friends. He said that he was in love with me and wanted to start a relationship. 4 days later, I went to a party, got drunk, and had sex with one of my friends... not the same guy. I told the first guy, he freaked out and said it was over between us and couldn't trust me ever again. The thing is, I wasn't so regretful about sleeping with the second guy as I was that I told the first guy about it. I wish I hadn't told him. Now, I've gotten to the point where I just want to have sex. I enjoyed it. I used to have such a passionate relationship with Jesus and I talked to him everyday. He was the love of my life. He was EVERYTHING to me. Then I had sex, and I can't hear Him anymore. It's like He's not even there. I don't know what to do.I'm also addicted to masturbation, and I have been since I was 12 years old. I can't seem to stop, and it's gotten to the point where I'm not even feeling guilty about it anymore.

recently my dad, whose 57 years old, started dating this girl who'se only like 6 month older than i am and that makes me so angry that i just wish i could kill him. whenever this girl is around i get very angry and very jealous (because she should be attracted to me instead of my dad). another reason it makes me so jealous to see my dad with a girl my age is because i never had a girlfriend myself. i'm so bad with girls that i had to get hooked up with one to lose my virginity. i feel so much pain every single day knowing that i can't get myself a girlfriend, and seeing my dad with a girl my age and seeing him go to bed with her makes me feel even worse about myself. i hate myself and i hate my dad. on the other side of the coin, i just think it's plain wrong for somebody my dad's age to go out with a 20 year old girl. i wish you could pray for my dad and for me and for his little girlfriend... for the good of their souls.

My wife gets no pleasure from sex. I cant get enough of it. I would have sex 3 times a day if she would. We used to do that but now she just doesn't care. Since she's shut me out basically completely My mind and body went searching for something to fill that void and it resorted to pornography. Thank God it wasn't an affair or affairs but I still feel guilty but what do I do? I cant just tell her to lye there. She revealed to me that she was molested and raped as a child and that when we have sex it reminds her of it. She told me this after we got married and I cant help to think it's not fair. Some guy took my wifes virginity and I didn't. I was a vigin she told me she was a virgin (which she was in hers and in God's eyes). But why do I have to live with someone elses wrong doing, why am I paying for someone elses defiling act of imorality. Why do I not get to enjoy the pleasure of sex with my wife because of this ...... disgusting guy? Then I look at myself. Am I any better when I look at pornography which stems from this guys act of rape? I dont know what to think. Then I find myself yelling at my wife because she wont even think about having sex with me because she sees the pornography on the computer. Why this viscious circle? What did I do to deserve something, someone so defiled, what did she do to deserve to be defiled?Why do people do these things? What are they thinking? HOW DO THEY JUSTIFY DOING WHAT THEY DID? But I forgive you. God please help me to understand what my wife goes through everyday and help to find the way to make her forget and think of the purity of my love for her and cleans my life of this anger, hatred, and pornography. I am at your mercy please help me.


When I was young, my childhood was not a very stable one. I grew up in a family that did not respect nor like each other. I was molested by people who were supposed to be close to me. People who were supposed to protect me. The first time I was molested was by my god-sister, she was 16, I was about 51/2. I was visiting and even though I told her I was uncomfortable she told me that this was going to "fun". I was scared but who could I tell, who would believe me? After a while I looked forward to visiting her, even though I felt wrong afterwards. The molestation continued until her Mother caught her (us). I do not remember that day.I was later on molested by one of my male cousins on my 7th birthday, and later on in life another male cousin who came to visit us for the summer. As time went on I felt as if that was all I was meant for in life, to be molested. Then my step-father had me hump a doll, and stuck his finger inside me, all while his friends were in the living room.Then years later I went to beach with one of my stepfathers friends (yes he was still in my life), and he molested me. He took me out to the middle of the water where he knew I could not swim, I was only 8, and fingered me. I started crying and told him I wanted to go home. He finally took me back to the shore. His wife knew what he did, and told me not to tell my Mom. That she would never believe me, and her husband would get in trouble. He kept my panties as a reminder of what he did. I didn't tell, because I was afraid. All that I mentioned above started when I was around the age of 51/2 - 10. It made me feel useless and dirty. I started believing that the only way to find love would be to let people take advantage of me. I was 13 and my mother had started partying a lot, she would bring home her friends (male & female). Well, one of her male friends expressed interest in me, and pursued a relationship with me, he was 26yrs. old, I was only 13. He took my virginity, he did not rape me physically, but he did mentally rape me. I was tired of telling him no, tired of fighting off people on my life. I was used up by the time I was 15.I still haven't told you the worst thing yet. I turned around and became like all the other monsters in my life. I molested a half cousin, and my little brother when I was about 9 yrs old. I never fondled his genitals, but I did, lay on top of him, I am so ashamed of what I did. I want to bring it up to him, and apologize for doing to him what was done to me, but I am afraid of how he would respond. I am also afraid e would tell the family, and I am not ready to deal with the outcome. Please forgive me Lord. I sometimes want to commit suicide so that I can erase all that bad that I brought into the world with me. I am a disgusting person.

I lost my virginity when i was 17 to a married man in his own house, in his own bed. I saw pictures of his family all over and it tormented me, but he kept pushing it on me. Being a virgin i didn't know what I was missing so i didn't need sex. But it still happened. my best friend was in the room next to us with his cousin who was also married. While this was going on I had a boyfriend who i thought I was falling in love with. We had sex the weekend after that and he thought it was my first time and I had to pretend like it was. I never told anyone that i've slept with a dad, or a married man...because I can't imagine how it would feel to be married for so long and have your husband cheat on you with a 17 year old girl and show her everything that she needs to know about sex. That's terrible. I have different outlooks on life now, and i'm scared that I'll never find true love. I can't help but cheat. It happens every relationship I have. They never find out but my own guilt, and just me knowing is enough to kill myself. Not litterally, but, I just think it's hard to find somebody that will still want to take me as their wife knowing what I have done in the past and HOPE it doesn't happen again.

I dont even know where to begin,,,my life has been filled with nothing but shame and regret. When I was 15 I willingly had sex with a guy I wasnt even attracted to just to lose my virginity, because my friends had already and I wanted to "get it over with"...year after year and man after man followed the same...I cant even remember thier faces or thier names, I was even disgusted and repulsed by most of them, but I let them do whatever they wanted to me...I never said "No"..I hated every second of it but I didnt care enough about myself to stop doing this to myself. When I was 22 I gave my children away when they were 2 and 3 years old. I had just left an abusive relationship a year before, but i started taking my hurt out on them...I would yell and hit them...Im so ashamed of hurting them...I still cry about it now even though they are teenagers now. I wish i could go back and love them so much. A few years later, after I was divorced I got pregnant by a guy and had an abortion...I was going to keep it at first...i even had a girl's name picked out but my fear of having to go through what I did with my other children caused me to go ahead with it. Ive had sex with so many guys that never cared about me through my college years(and now in my 30s)I allowed myself to get hurt over and over again, just hoping just one of them would fall in love with me...Im ashamed because I always held on no matter how badly they disrespected me. Last year I decided to give up sex...until i get married...I was doing really well until this summer..a guy i dated before that i really loved came back into my life...i gave my promise to God away and rationalized away my conviction to celibacy...all to hold onto a relationship that ended after only a few months. Im ashamed that I would do this to God...to break a promise I made to Him. He tested me and again I failed...Im so ashamed of my life. Im 33 and Ive thrown so much of it away because I felt unloved. Ive asked for forgiveness so many times...and I ask for it again today Lord...but I still feel so unloved and alone and rejected. Please pray for me.

My secret. A dark one or so I thought-i read other's posts an realized i am not alone. I struggle with masturbation. I hate doing it. I hate the fact that it ties in with veiwing porn. I am a girl, I am in college, I am 20. I learned about masturbation from my mom cause we were just talking and the subject came up. I had no idea what it was, so she just said what it was, and told me it was bad, and I shouldn't do it. that was about 4 years ago. I didn't really get into regular masturbating until 2 or so years ago. I have no idea why I do it, I want to stop. I do, for a while, then I think how good it felt, and I do it again. I am at a christian college, which makes doing these things harder, but I still find a way around it...Pray for me

10 years ago I first had an indecent, sexual conversation online. That grew to seeing online porn, chatting and lots of foreplay with my bfriend. To this day I still battle with it and sometimes find myself masturbating, having illicit thoughts or even watching porn online. Minutes afterwards I realize what I'm doing and stop. It's a hard addiction to break. I was a missionary. I am a youth leader. I'm terrified of telling my future fiancee, yet looking forward to. Pray my brain and body would delete and forget that past. Not likely to happen.

I started masturbating and then couldn't stop. I blurted out the truth to my best (Christian) friend, and asked her to keep me accountable. But shame drove me back into hiding, because I still couldn't find a way out of the hole I'd dug. On top of all this, I'm an addictions counselor! And a hypocrite. I recently came clean before God and gave the problem over to Him. "God, I can't beat this. You died on the cross for me, You can beat death... this is Your problem now." And after that I didn't do it for almost 5 months. Then I got cocky and started counting up how much "clean time" *I* had. My pride went before a great fall. I am really struggling with this again. Please pray for me, that I may always remember Who has t

This Video Had a Dramatic Impact On Me

Take it to heart. This stuff is evil.

A Pastor's Take

I think the pastor's onto something. I love religious thinking.

Yes, Girls struggle with porn too

It can just be harder to admit.

So what will it take. Pastor Craig Gross from XXXchurch.com says that porn addiction is impossible to stop by myself. I, however, need to give myself one more chance because there is noone I fully trust to disclose my addiction and further there is noone who I believe would be willing to help me with this problem. So I'm alone.

I will get through this through tremendous discipline. I will not waver from my schedule. I will recognize what is not necessary. I will erect fences upon fences. And I'll be alright.

"The porn had the biggest grip on me"

Makes me reconsider certain things

Touching

Redouble My Efforts

Last few days I've gotten myself into a quagmire of self-destruction. I've filled my days with internet surfing, tv, pacing in every direction, daydreaming, porn, masturbation, etc... I've let my mind wander into crazy, dark directions. I've let myself become depressed and feel sorry for myself. Everything bad, I've done.

So now, once again, I'd like to turn a new leaf. I'd like to tell myself that everything is okay. Shit happens to everyone. Every element of self-destruction is familiar to everyone. In terms of self-destruction, noone is unique. The past is behind me. All that matters now is the future. And that is what I have to start preparing for right now. I've broken my last 40 day resolution after 3 or 4 days. Now, I have to restart the resolution. And I have to look at it differently. Each day, I have to realize that I'm following the resolution not just to add another day to the count, but to make that day the best day it can possibly be for my life present and future. That is why I'm following the resolution. It's to get rid of all the junk that otherwise fills up my life. It's because pain is not the opposite of pleasure. Boredom is. So, once again, I will redouble my efforts. And this time, I will succeed.

First Day a success, 39 to go

So it is technically the first day of my 40 day resolution that is about to come to an end. It's funny, in my resolution, I completely restricted internet surfing and tv watching. And now, after a day, I'm already used to it. It took a full day however. Before, I would subconsciously do these things. And I couldn't consciously bring myself around to turning these bad habits off. Somehow, I've already developed some self-control. And I'm currently going through some mental detox. This is only the first day. Through tomorrow I need to be extremely focused on doing well in my finals. Thursday and Friday I need to take care of graduate school applications. Over the weekend, I either need to continue getting work done or go to Boston. If my diligence is in doubt, it would be better to go to Boston.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I just got an A in calculus. Tomorrow, I have two more finals. And right now, I'm not ready. Posturing and pretending to study won't help me. I need to really work and make my time spent actually count. Don't be a coward. Don't stress out. Don't give up. Most important, don't break my resolution.

It's 5 in the afternoon. My finals are tomorrow. I am not studying effectively. I'm not holding my focus. I know that as the moment of truth comes closer, I'll all of a sudden find my missing focus. And I'll wonder, if only I could have held this focus yesterday. So, while I'm still blessed with a little bit of time so that I don't have to get into panic mode yet, I'll focus. For you my imaginary readers, I will do my best. I will do this. I will make something of myself for you. Because if I can give hope to myself, I can certainly give hope to you.

Now that midnight has passed, I'm on day one of this resolution. I have 2 finals on wednesday. I'm awfully behind. I'm trying to remain calm and steady. I have a lot to learn. And rushing is no good. I need to somehow remain calm and stay focused. One section at a time, over 12, 14 hours, I will learn everything I need to learn. I just need to remain calm and not rush. It won't help


I had an interview today with a consumer research company in New York. I loved the company. I loved the people. I'm afraid I made a weak impression. I need to write down exactly what I've learned and what I need to do to move my life in a more positive direction. I've certainly come out with some very valuable lessons.

A 40 Day Resolution

I've decided to make a 40 day resolution for myself. This is a resolution I believe will offer me a good chance of holding onto certain good habits as long as I can hold onto them continuously for 40 days. Today is day 0 as I've broken it already. It will last from Tuesday May 13 to Sat. June 20th.

• I should hold to a schedule which I should always set for at least several hours ahead.
• I can not so much as touch my penis, not to mention masturbate.
• I can't look at porn of any kind.
• I can not surf the web unless it's in my schedule.
• I can not take naps, which never have good results.
• I can generally only check my e-mail once a day, barring extenuating circumstances.
• I can not randomly watch tv, unless it is scheduled.
• Always stay positive.
• When in doubt, always err on the safe side.
• Anything scheduled in advance receives exemption from the above guidelines.
  

I'm embarassed to say how many times I've made such a resolution and failed. This time, I hope things turn out differently. I hope my audience will help me through this. I want to show that I can be more than people expect me to be.

Simple Beginning

I don't necessarily like fancy beginnings. I've chosen to start this blog as a confessional, a journal which I choose to share with the world uncensored. I'm keeping a journal anyhow. I thought, why don't I throw it out there so that anyone who wants to can benefit from it.

This is my journey. It starts from myself as a lost cause, a dust particle. Where will it end? That is an open-ended question. And it is wholesomely in my control.